Hello Finn, I want/need to thank you for your post dated 25th Aug 2011.
Just a few days ago.. 2nd Nov to be exact, my beloved little Tyke got hit by a car and was taken by strangers to the vet who decided to put him to sleep. I had him microchipped as a baby, but never actually got around to signing the papers that another vet gave me... never ever dreaming what the future held.
So when this current vet could not find the owner (me), I guess it was curtains for my little Tyke.
I had him from a baby and he was only 11 months old when he died.
I am grieving bad because I am blaming myself for his demise.
In hindsight I believe that if I had got him desexed at the appropriate age of 6 months it would have taken away most of the urge to escape at the first opportunity.
He had found a place under the back fence with soft enough soil to dig his way out.
He'd come back home after a couple of hours, seemingly jumping out of his skin with happiness.
I promptly blocked each hole as he made them, and I thought I had blocked the final escape route, but he fooled me yet again and found one more hole..his last.
The loss of him is fairly destroying. I'm 70 now and have always had dogs in my life.
My little Pee Pee survived for 17 years and we had to get the Vet to come to the house to help her on her way.
She was in a bad way (pain) so we didn't grieve for her too much because we were reconciled with the fact that we loved her so very much and gave her all the love we could. We were prepared for her to go and let her be free of pain.
Our next dog was a black, short haired border collie, Sam.
Things were going really well until one day, while we were out walking.. he was just so obedient that I seldom used a leash on him.. a cat came into view... and he was off... into the path of a passing car.
Thankfully he survived with a damaged back right leg. The vet fixed him up and after a while arthritis set in bad. The vet's only solution for the pain was some very expensive pills ($1 a pill).
I googled that medication and was appalled that it had been causing deaths in some dogs, so I decided to Google "paracetamol in dogs"... I take that for my pain. That was when I found out that I would be able to give Sam half a paracetamol every 6 hours quite safely.
I take 2 paras about every 6-8 hours a day.
Since giving Sam his 250mg of paracetamol every 6 hours his 'quality of life' is very good. He is now 9 years old, overweight, but still enjoying life. He is not in any pain while I keep the paracetamol doses up to him and on time. If I happen to go overtime by an hour or two, he is in pain.. unable to walk. And that brings me to this thread on A2K. One of the reasons is the sudden demise of little Tyke... the next is the impending demise of Sam somewhere in the future.
With this current feeling of utter grief from losing little Tyke, who I'd only had for less than 11 months.. to pondering what will happen when it's time for Sam to be set free of pain... I am afraid I might not be able to survive the trauma.
But getting back to "now"... to try and cope with Tyke's demise one of my girl friends bought me a new puppy just 2 days after Tyke died.
She wasn't sure if she was doing the right thing but she felt the need to try something to help me.
It is still early days.. only got him yesterday, and so far so good.
I still break down over little Tyke. I feel so guilty that I never got him desexed at 6 months. He was such a beautiful little creature that I thought he'd have made a great daddy one day.. and then.. then I'd get him desexed. I never dreamed he would turn so 'feral' on me.
My friends tell me it looks like he was trying to chase after me when I left him home when I went out.
Poor old Sam was never like that. Never once did he seem to want to go away from the house. I could leave the gates wide open and he'd never wander from me.
Of course when I left the house the gates were always closed. He was never desexed.
I had decided that I would get him fixed up if ever it appeared that it was necessary.
We used to joke about it and say that he must have overheard us talking because he never ever put a foot/paw wrong. Always the pure gentleman. So now, even with Tyke #2 laying beside me dozing and old Sam snoozing on the floor, my thoughts keep racing back to little Tyke #1 and the pain and grief I am feeling most of the time.
I felt the need to reach out and try and find other people who had lost their beloved pet and hopefully get some solice from how they recovered.
All this pain has brought me to think more deeply about human demises. It feels like a 'dress rehersal' for the "biggie".
Giving us some idea of what to expect, only many times worse, although it's hard to imagine anything worse right now.
I figured out years ago that the pain of grief is God's way of letting us know just how much we loved them. Nothing comes free, not even love. The books have to be balanced... everything accountable.. it's simply the price we pay for love. The pain is so hard to bear.
Trying not to think about it in the hope that the pain will ease off only makes it worse because then I feel like I am being unfaithful, like now that I have Tyke 2, I feel guilty for thinking that he could replace Tyke #1.
It all sounds so trivial when I realise I am waffling on about a dog... but the pain is so real. Just wish that there was a pill I could take to help relieve the pain.
They say time heals all wounds and that is the straw that I am clinging onto. Ages ago I was also told about "Paper Psychology" and over the years that has been a wonderful tool when I have been faced with what at the time seemed impossible situations.
Hopefully in a few weeks time I will be able to look at all of this and wonder what the heck I was going on about.
My biggest dilemma now is whether to post this or delete it.
I guess there's no harm in posting it. Nothing bad will happen.
I shouldn't feel regretful afterwards. Big sighs. drillersmum.