Sun 13 Jun, 2010 05:30 am
I have been dating a widow for over 2 years. it has been on and off (probably 5 differnt times, we have dated). I was the first guy she went out with. We would see each other for a few times then she would go away. Kind of understandable. He passed only like 8 months before our first date.
It has now been almost 3 years since he passed. She has just moved into a new house and we started going out again. This time we have been going out for almost 3 months. Everything was great and then all of the sudden, she says that she is in a funk. She say it happens to everyone she dates. Kind of why I would only see her for a few time and she would go away.
However, this time has been a lot longer time. I was the first person she has been to bed with also, in this last time of dating. She would tell me "I am glad you are in my life" etc. Then all of the sudden, (right after she told me that), she is in a funk. She feels like she is cheating on her ex husband. I have fallen head over heels for her, which she has encourged, by her. I was trying to give her some space. Then her son and grandchild come to town. She says, I may not be available this weekend. Agian, unnderstandable. However, i spent every day they were here with them. She wanted this. Now she is backing off again.
I just don't know what to do. She is one of the best women I have ever met in my life! I am crazy about her. I may have gone a little over board with the flowers and stuff, but she liked that. Our relationship has never gone back to where it was when we first went out. I want it to get back there. how do I do it? I have been told to just leave her alone, but it is hard to do.
Any advise would be great!!!
Giving some time alone is great, but she can't keep hiding her feelings from you if the relationship is going to go anywhere. Be honest with her. If she says she is glad you are in her life, your opinion must matter to her. If she thinks she feels like she's cheating, both of you need to discuss it, so that both of you are aware of each other's feelings and to find out what makes her apprehensive about the relationship.
Life is way too short find someone else and let her work out her problems or not work her problems in her own time frame.
This particular thread is pretty common here. I think if you look at the "widow" tag, you will find a lot of guys in your situation. You might take heart from their comments and the advice they received.
I think she should undergo some therapy. She sounds like a great gal, someone whom you should continue to work with. And with time it might work out. But therapy could help speed up the process.
Sounds like she has you were she wants you: in bed, when family is not around, when she feels good/free enough to give attention to another male instead of her dead husband. That's all the energy she has now for the two of you.
So that's what it is: accept it and live with it - or move on. She can't give you more than what she has . . . Three years is still recent, especially if it was a surprise death. She is not ready for the depth of this relationship.
There are still 3 of you in this relationship.
Grief counseling will help. encourage her to attend a peer-grief group, even if it is a repeat.
In the meantime, don't tell her HOW or WHEN to grieve. She will get defensive.
Good luck. I know it hurts to love someone who is distracted by the unavailable, but she has got to wean herself off the past at her own pace.