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Poems of a departure

 
 
Reply Wed 17 Mar, 2010 07:23 pm
Here i try to commit myself to more than just myself.
To more than just my memory. Possibly something called posterity.
i question whether my or any tears are anything other than selfish?
So have decided to cry with my words which i can accept are allowed to be totally selfish. From time to time.
I hope these words find you or you are found in these words.
But most of all i just hope to be found again. Selfish.
These words have all been thought and written since 20:00 16th March 2010 till present.

Why cant i cry?

The waters flows stopped, the waves crashed dry.
Why cant i cry,
I have nothing left, no longer fly
nothing to remind
Cant rewind
The clouds dont rumble
I think i'm in trouble.
God is a mute
Wipe away heaven its columns to rubble
Why cant i cry?
God does not try.
I can see what you mean but i am blind.
The piano play soundless
The voice would kiss
It goes away
I still cant cry.
No longer why.
No future, no past
stuck forever in momentary grasp
It's not going far
I cant go to fast
Bothered by blood
Not even this lasts.
The dead piano is still
I still do not cry
My care was caring for me
I thought i was free
I thought i was free.
Why cant i find you?
Why cant i see?
If i cant cry,
why cant i smile?
What do i do,
when i cannot even find
When i cannot even cry?

Not in need of hope or a high
Maybe if i walked
Maybe if i tried
Again see the sky
Maybe if i tried
Maybe then i can cry?
------------------------------------------

Delicate little no body

No ones around
Not like this before,
No single sound
No knock at the door
God is mute
Broken flute
I sing sour little songs,
As I look down;
Delicate little no body
no body, no body, no body
Delicate little no thing
no thing, no thing, no thing
As i look down,
no body, no body, no body
no body, no beat, no home,
All gone
No body
All alone
As i look down,
I am not proud.

(I just need to be found)
---------------------------------------

Good-bye.

Good-bye the light, good-bye the sound,
Good-bye the flight, good-bye to-be found.
I lifted the latch, you opened the gates
Sarked a first match to challenge our fates.

Good-bye big heart, good-bye my bread-breaker,
Good-bye fresh start, good-bye morning-maker.
I will no longer have to watch each of my steps
I would you still trip me, just bruises no regrets.

Good-bye my best friend, good-bye smile emissary,
Good-bye what i depend, good-bye world luminary.
Tickled as i watched your cheeks dance on a dreaming
Wieght of a heart is only the mass of what's gleaming.

Good-bye sight shine, good-bye the laughter,
Good-bye ever sun, good-bye ever after.
My duty you made my time flow the faster
I was once benefactor never the master.

Good-bye happy ending, good-bye only companion,
Good-bye to defending, good-bye little champion.
We dispenced with the cage, we shattered the bar
Death takes not love, our life has forged a-new star.

Good-bye delicate sanity, good-bye bright fellow,
Good-bye easy sanctuary, good-bye my hello.
The clammour the confusion you held me above
We strode the course of an inspirative love.

I now fear no more fresh birth, fear i no longer am inspired,
How can an unflourishing love not quickly make you tired?
Good-byes for the heart only make weak
No more good-byes i ever shall speak.
-------------------------------------------
(poetry is in motion)

The burial

I pace the small beach
Private
Not even you, not really
I no longer need to confuse the issue,
You were never your body
Reliant symbology.
The universe needs us as-is
Embodiment of presence and love
Am i enough?
Can both leave me?
I am calm
Calmed the waves
You spoke words to me last night in a dream,
First time for that
You always spoke with your eyes
I seek outwards, get lost for the moment
I'm back
I dont want my body.
The sea moves quickly when you have no time
The water looks dirty
Else i may have gone for a swim
I dont care that it's only warm winter.
The tide dictated a day time affair
At night i would have made more fan-fare
Of this we are both spared
I'm taking time i dont have
The water is rising, salt in the air
I am ready to be here
I'm glad its not raining
And yet still accept the sun is not out
I am glad of my hands
I'm glad i cant shout
I have some time to write this all out
I wish i had learned to paint you
The wind is fair with me
But will soon need my gloves
The tide is still coming
I cant stem it and i dont want to
I'm not putting you off
Is this really goodbye?
I gently pull you out from inside
I lay you on the stone of the bluff
I should have prepared the sand already
Before i let the cold come near you
You are still wrapped warm
Symbology again
In no harm
I get out the green metal folded spade
I bought for just these reasons
I climb down on the breach
You are still not with me
I part the shingle and find grey sand underneath
I dig down low
I wish i could scatter.
The blanket that covers you,
Red tartan that once kept me warm on some of my coldest nights
I have an empty home to return to
I have dug enough
I have parted the sand
But cant hold the sea
I climb back up
I take you in hands
I confuse again
Unfold the cloth gently
I look down on what we once were
I sit on the bluff
My legs dangle loosely
Eternity has edges
I brush and part your hair
One last minute
One last free care
Why dont i cry? If i'm not even smiling?
I have an answer
Only we share
I have always found it hard to pray to God.
No lightning flash
Just a calm air spreads about
I look out to sea and captured distant hills
Do they see me here? Do you?
I hear no chorus, i forget to sing.
I think i am ready
I am ready to think.
Not on the brink
The water still rises,
The channel can weep for me
I take and give one last memorial
'When beautiful stories end, it makes of them a legend'
I take care to place a white candle with you
So if you get lost i can still find you?
But i know you are found
It is my dimmness i fear
For me then, a distant rising tear
It rises i do not let it fall
Are all tears selfish?
As i am about to enclose you in earth
I remember you are dead, you can finally have some chocolate
So i open my bar
Our final meal
I sit and eat half
I put the rest next to you and the candle
We are worth a little laugh
On my behalf
Did i forget to say goodbye?
I dont really want to anyway
So i dont have to speak
But do think,
You were absolutely unregrettable.
Unforgettable sweet.
I cover you
I'll let you sleep.



Wind now finds its calling voice
To love in this life is not a choice
The cold waters and tide are rising
Lonesome hearts just no disguising
Resting for but a short moment
Until again we are both present
Goodnight to my souls whole song sweet
Until the next life where we shall both greet

You made it bearable.
Goodnight my unregrettable.
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salima
 
  1  
Reply Thu 18 Mar, 2010 04:43 am
@sometime sun,
in a way i think when we care about or care for someone it is still a sort of selfishness, and when we grieve at their loss what else can it be but self pity? but grief and mourning are work that have to be done to heal the psyche. at least i think so...nothing to be ashamed of, really. nothing to medicate or try and stop-it will carry its way through to the end of its own accord.

i cried every day for a month when my cat left...he most certainly must have died, no matter how hard i tried to pretend that he had been captured by someone who was taking all his idiosyncracies and interests into consideration but who loved him so much they wouldnt allow him to go out again into the night and be lost forever. i was about 35 years old at the time and my son was a year old. my father died about a year later, and i didnt shed a tear, though i still miss him to this day. but i had cried for five years before he died in anticipation of that momentous event. maybe you too have already done all your crying...?
sometime sun
 
  1  
Reply Thu 18 Mar, 2010 01:23 pm
@salima,
I have just read this and have seen alot of anger there that i was not in the right mind to properly recognise.
Anger breeds fear and as i am rarely angry i am rarely fearful, as long as i know what and where i am heading, even if that is no where, i am at the wheel.
For the past few days i have been angry.
Simple thing to realise. not so simple to be able to release.
As i siad i am not accustomed to this 'emotion', about doubting God and doubting my good intentions, anger breeds doubt as well.
But understanding what you are afflicted with is the first and biggest step in finding a cure.
0 Replies
 
Pepijn Sweep
 
  1  
Reply Thu 18 Mar, 2010 01:34 pm
@sometime sun,
sometime sun;140752 wrote:
Here i try to commit myself to more than just myself.
To more than just my memory. Possibly something called posterity.
i question whether my or any tears are anything other than selfish?
So have decided to cry with my words which i can accept are allowed to be totally selfish. From time to time.
I hope these words find you or you are found in these words.
But most of all i just hope to be found again. Selfish.
These words have all been thought and written since 20:00 16th March 2010 till present.

Why cant i cry?

The waters flows stopped, the waves crashed dry.
Why cant i cry,
I have nothing left, no longer fly
nothing to remind
Cant rewind
The clouds dont rumble
I think i'm in trouble.
God is a mute
Wipe away heaven its columns to rubble
Why cant i cry?
God does not try.
I can see what you mean but i am blind.
The piano play soundless
The voice would kiss
It goes away
I still cant cry.
No longer why.
No future, no past
stuck forever in momentary grasp
It's not going far
I cant go to fast
Bothered by blood
Not even this lasts.
The dead piano is still
I still do not cry
My care was caring for me
I thought i was free
I thought i was free.
Why cant i find you?
Why cant i see?
If i cant cry,
why cant i smile?
What do i do,
when i cannot even find
When i cannot even cry?

Not in need of hope or a high
Maybe if i walked
Maybe if i tried
Again see the sky
Maybe if i tried
Maybe then i can cry?
------------------------------------------

Delicate little no body

No ones around
Not like this before,
No single sound
No knock at the door
God is mute
Broken flute
I sing sour little songs,
As I look down;
Delicate little no body
no body, no body, no body
Delicate little no thing
no thing, no thing, no thing
As i look down,
no body, no body, no body
no body, no beat, no home,
All gone
No body
All alone
As i look down,
I am not proud.

(I just need to be found)
---------------------------------------

Good-bye.

Good-bye the light, good-bye the sound,
Good-bye the flight, good-bye to-be found.
I lifted the latch, you opened the gates
Sarked a first match to challenge our fates.

Good-bye big heart, good-bye my bread-breaker,
Good-bye fresh start, good-bye morning-maker.
I will no longer have to watch each of my steps
I would you still trip me, just bruises no regrets.

Good-bye my best friend, good-bye smile emissary,
Good-bye what i depend, good-bye world luminary.
Tickled as i watched your cheeks dance on a dreaming
Wieght of a heart is only the mass of what's gleaming.

Good-bye sight shine, good-bye the laughter,
Good-bye ever sun, good-bye ever after.
My duty you made my time flow the faster
I was once benefactor never the master.

Good-bye happy ending, good-bye only companion,
Good-bye to defending, good-bye little champion.
We dispenced with the cage, we shattered the bar
Death takes not love, our life has forged a-new star.

Good-bye delicate sanity, good-bye bright fellow,
Good-bye easy sanctuary, good-bye my hello.
The clammour the confusion you held me above
We strode the course of an inspirative love.

I now fear no more fresh birth, fear i no longer am inspired,
How can an unflourishing love not quickly make you tired?
Good-byes for the heart only make weak
No more good-byes i ever shall speak.
-------------------------------------------
(poetry is in motion)

The burial

I pace the small beach
Private
Not even you, not really
I no longer need to confuse the issue,
You were never your body
Reliant symbology.
The universe needs us as-is
Embodiment of presence and love
Am i enough?
Can both leave me?
I am calm
Calmed the waves
You spoke words to me last night in a dream,
First time for that
You always spoke with your eyes
I seek outwards, get lost for the moment
I'm back
I dont want my body.
The sea moves quickly when you have no time
The water looks dirty
Else i may have gone for a swim
I dont care that it's only warm winter.
The tide dictated a day time affair
At night i would have made more fan-fare
Of this we are both spared
I'm taking time i dont have
The water is rising, salt in the air
I am ready to be here
I'm glad its not raining
And yet still accept the sun is not out
I am glad of my hands
I'm glad i cant shout
I have some time to write this all out
I wish i had learned to paint you
The wind is fair with me
But will soon need my gloves
The tide is still coming
I cant stem it and i dont want to
I'm not putting you off
Is this really goodbye?
I gently pull you out from inside
I lay you on the stone of the bluff
I should have prepared the sand already
Before i let the cold come near you
You are still wrapped warm
Symbology again
In no harm
I get out the green metal folded spade
I bought for just these reasons
I climb down on the breach
You are still not with me
I part the shingle and find grey sand underneath
I dig down low
I wish i could scatter.
The blanket that covers you,
Red tartan that once kept me warm on some of my coldest nights
I have an empty home to return to
I have dug enough
I have parted the sand
But cant hold the sea
I climb back up
I take you in hands
I confuse again
Unfold the cloth gently
I look down on what we once were
I sit on the bluff
My legs dangle loosely
Eternity has edges
I brush and part your hair
One last minute
One last free care
Why dont i cry? If i'm not even smiling?
I have an answer
Only we share
I have always found it hard to pray to God.
No lightning flash
Just a calm air spreads about
I look out to sea and captured distant hills
Do they see me here? Do you?
I hear no chorus, i forget to sing.
I think i am ready
I am ready to think.
Not on the brink
The water still rises,
The channel can weep for me
I take and give one last memorial
'When beautiful stories end, it makes of them a legend'
I take care to place a white candle with you
So if you get lost i can still find you?
But i know you are found
It is my dimmness i fear
For me then, a distant rising tear
It rises i do not let it fall
Are all tears selfish?
As i am about to enclose you in earth
I remember you are dead, you can finally have some chocolate
So i open my bar
Our final meal
I sit and eat half
I put the rest next to you and the candle
We are worth a little laugh
On my behalf
Did i forget to say goodbye?
I dont really want to anyway
So i dont have to speak
But do think,
You were absolutely unregrettable.
Unforgettable sweet.
I cover you
I'll let you sleep.



Wind now finds its calling voice
To love in this life is not a choice
The cold waters and tide are rising
Lonesome hearts just no disguising
Resting for but a short moment
Until again we are both present
Goodnight to my souls whole song sweet
Until the next life where we shall both greet

You made it bearable.
Goodnight my unregrettable.


I know how you feel:sarcastic::sarcastic:
0 Replies
 
 

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