What the hell is wrong with me?

Forums: Grief, Death, Loss, Reaction, Abbie
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A few reasons that have made me think what the fuc... am i doing.
Since Lilia died nothing has been how i expected it.

1)I have not cried.
Not once. Not even at her funeral. I’ve even tried too, sat down on my own and thought right; let’s get it over with and.... nothing. Everyone else has burst into tears at some unprecedented moment over the last 3 weeks.

2)I have laughed, several times in the awkward silences when someone is crying.
Not because I find it funny, I just laugh.

3)I have shouted to Lilia to ask if she wanted a drink, or said goodnight to her, even though she’s not friggin there. It doesn’t feel real.

4)Every time someone asks me for my opinion I give them it, and then add what Lilia would have thought. No idea why.

5)Finally, and this one is mainly the reason I’ve posted this on here because I would never admit it to someone’s face. This is going to sound really bad and it’s not going to come out how I mean it but in a way, I’m almost glad it’s over.
Not having to wake up each morning and wonder if today was going to be the day that she died, or if she would get an infection, if she’d need a blood transfusion, if the tumours had grown or shrunk. Not to have to watch her in pain or hold her hand whilst she was vomiting.
I’m just glad that we can finally start to live without being uncertain all the time. 5 years is a long time to not know if your sister will still be alive the next day. But now I can be sure, I can be sure that she will certainly not be alive in the morning, however much it hurts I’m just glad I know now.
Does that make sense?

So really I just wanted to say that, so I could stop continually thinking it and to stop myself blurting it out to someone, and I wanted to know if anyone else does that, or if I am just a complete b*tch.

One more thing, video my aunt made of Lilia, if you click on it, it takes you to the video, i think...

http://i867.photobucket.com/albums/ab236/AbbieMcKenley/th_Lilia-1.jpg

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Type: Question • Score: 11 • Views: 4,105 • Replies: 22

@AbbieMcKenley,

Quote:

5 years is a long time to not know if your sister will still be alive the next day.

I think that line says more then the rest of the post. You have been through 5 years of hell. There is no simple "get over it". Just because you haven't cried since her death doesn't mean you wont, nor does it mean you will. When my grand mother died when I was like 13 I didn't cry for at least 2 week. I am sure in those 5 years, you have cried many times over for your sister, with your sister. Time heals wounds. Wounds of the heart are no different.

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Abbie, I have been where you are now, and there is nothing "wrong" with you.

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however much it hurts I’m just glad I know now.
Does that make sense?

Perfect sense.

here are some (((((((hugs))))))))

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@AbbieMcKenley,

Quote:

A few reasons that have made me think what the fuc... am i doing.
Since Lilia died nothing has been how i expected it.

1)I have not cried.
Not once. Not even at her funeral. I’ve even tried too, sat down on my own and thought right; let’s get it over with and.... nothing. Everyone else has burst into tears at some unprecedented moment over the last 3 weeks.

Maybe you're not a crier.

Quote:

2)I have laughed, several times in the awkward silences when someone is crying.
Not because I find it funny, I just laugh.

Sometimes I laugh when I shouldn't-when I'm nervous or don't know what else to do or say.

Quote:

3)I have shouted to Lilia to ask if she wanted a drink, or said goodnight to her, even though she’s not friggin there. It doesn’t feel real.

You probably wish she was still with you and are instinctively acting as if she is.

Quote:

4)Every time someone asks me for my opinion I give them it, and then add what Lilia would have thought. No idea why.

To remember her. My brother died almost twenty years ago, but whenever someone asks me how many brothers and sisters I have I always say five- even though for twenty years I've only had four. It's just that I don't want to deny his existence - even if I don't feel like going into the fact that he's dead now and how he died, etc., etc...it's just easier to say five.

Quote:

5)Finally, and this one is mainly the reason I’ve posted this on here because I would never admit it to someone’s face. This is going to sound really bad and it’s not going to come out how I mean it but in a way, I’m almost glad it’s over.
Not having to wake up each morning and wonder if today was going to be the day that she died, or if she would get an infection, if she’d need a blood transfusion, if the tumours had grown or shrunk. Not to have to watch her in pain or hold her hand whilst she was vomiting.
I’m just glad that we can finally start to live without being uncertain all the time. 5 years is a long time to not know if your sister will still be alive the next day. But now I can be sure, I can be sure that she will certainly not be alive in the morning, however much it hurts I’m just glad I know now.
Does that make sense?

Yeah, because the hard part is over for her. That in itself must be a relief.

Quote:

So really I just wanted to say that, so I could stop continually thinking it and to stop myself blurting it out to someone, and I wanted to know if anyone else does that, or if I am just a complete b*tch.

We all have different ways of coping. I don't think any are wrong.

Quote:

One more thing, video my aunt made of Lilia, if you click on it, it takes you to the video, i think...

Thanks for sharing this. What a beautiful girl she was. I love her smile in the picture in your profile and her eyes - so full of light and life.
Her story (in this video) is an inspiration to me. I've shown it to my children - it inspired them too.
My wish for your family is that you find some sort of comfort and peace.

As I said, everyone is different - I never thought I'd find any peace in my brother's death- but eventually I have. I hope you do too.

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@AbbieMcKenley,

Hey ((((((((((Abbie)))))))))))

There is no right or wrong with how you're feeling.

There is nothing wrong you.

You do amazingly well talking out loud here - it's easier talking with strangers at times - you're feelings are very real and you have your own coping mechanism in place for dealing with your loss of Lilia.

Watching your sister over the years - I can only imagine how that must feel. Not knowing when, how - well, there is a "relief" now - Lilia feels no pain, she's at peace. For you, maybe, there comes some peace too - the "imagining/waiting" for what was going to happen has been taken away. I believe that your feeling the way you do, there must be a relief there.

Laughing - I understand that feeling too well - sometimes it kinda jolts you that you could possibly laugh out loud with something that is so sad, and yep, it's not a funny laugh, it's just the emotion bubbles out - but, that's how you cope - don't chastise yourself in any way for that - you're way is the right way, for you.

Blurt away here as much as you wish. There's a great many folk who will listen and sit with you, no matter what you wish to say.

Take care Abbie.

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@AbbieMcKenley,

AbbieMcKenley wrote:

1)I have not cried.
That is normal, completely normal. It seems to me that you were the closest person to her, almost her but of course not her. I think you're kind of stunned, have the emptiness of it all being "over", have the immense and appropriate relief of it all being over. I don't know what psychologists would say, maybe something about protecting yourself from crying. You have grieved during her life, in your way, and with her. Don't think there is anything wrong with you.

2)I have laughed, several times in the awkward silences when someone is crying.
Not because I find it funny, I just laugh.

I think it's called hysterical laughter - or maybe not. I've laughed inappropriately at least once in my life. I remember my mother and aunt couldn't get me to stop one day when I was about 14 or 15. I was hitting tennis balls against a back wall in my aunt's yard and cracked up, and laughed a very long time, until I just got tired. In your situation, I'd posit that is a kind of crying that is squeaking out.

On a somewhat lighter note, my ex, when I first knew him, used to laugh every so often at really strange times. (He had a peculiar childhood socially). Looking back, I'd say social anxiety, "nerves". He's now one of the more lucid people on earth, no misplaced laughs.

3)I have shouted to Lilia to ask if she wanted a drink, or said goodnight to her, even though she’s not friggin there. It doesn’t feel real.

Normal. I still talk with my parents sometimes and they died a long time ago; now it is mostly in dreams.

4)Every time someone asks me for my opinion I give them it, and then add what Lilia would have thought. No idea why.

I think it gives you comfort to talk about her, which makes complete sense. It is the business of a full wonderful human being here one day and not another that doesn't make sense.

5)Finally, and this one is mainly the reason I’ve posted this on here because I would never admit it to someone’s face. This is going to sound really bad and it’s not going to come out how I mean it but in a way, I’m almost glad it’s over.
Not having to wake up each morning and wonder if today was going to be the day that she died, or if she would get an infection, if she’d need a blood transfusion, if the tumours had grown or shrunk. Not to have to watch her in pain or hold her hand whilst she was vomiting.
I’m just glad that we can finally start to live without being uncertain all the time. 5 years is a long time to not know if your sister will still be alive the next day. But now I can be sure, I can be sure that she will certainly not be alive in the morning, however much it hurts I’m just glad I know now.
Does that make sense?

Yes, and the relief is completely right.

One more thing, video my aunt made of Lilia, if you click on it, it takes you to the video, i think...

I haven't looked at the video yet. I will.

1 Reply

Abbie, that tribute to your sister is amazing. As for crying... if it comes it comes, if it doesn't it doesn't. I think every single person who has watched a loved one suffer for long periods of time must have at least a small part of them that feels relief when they die. Don't beat yourself up about being human.

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@AbbieMcKenley,

every one of us handles grief differently.

I cry about silly little things. or people I never met.

real, close to home trauma causes a different reaction, more similar to yours.

there is no wrong way to deal with it, other than to NOT deal with it...

you will find your peace with time, I think.

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Echoing what everyone else is saying about grieving in you own way and in your own time. You may find yourself months (even years) from now seeing something that triggers a certain memory or feeling and the floodgates will open. Or, that may never happen. If it does, however, don't be surprised if it catches you off guard and hits you at a moment when you least expect it.

There's no right way to grieve. Your relationship with your sister was personal and unique and mourning her loss will be personal and unique as well.

Other people might tell you you should do this or that, or feel this or that, but you should feel exactly how you feel because that's the way your grief is manifesting itself.

Don't give yourself a time line and don't expect to know or understand everything that's happening. Keep writing and talking as you can. You need an outlet for your thoughts and feelings. It can be us, a journal, your friends, some other family members, a clergy, a professional therapist, or any number of other choices. The one thing you shouldn't do is to tell yourself that you shouldn't feel the way you do.

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@AbbieMcKenley,

Abbie...

I believe I can see Lilia wearing a Blue Peter Badge... was that hers?

Would love to hear the story behind that and those medals she's wearing, if you'd like to tell us.

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@Izzie,

Yes, it was hers, i'll explain tomorrow, my dad's making me go to bed now Laughing

Night Night

1 Reply

@AbbieMcKenley,

Sleep well young lady. Catchup later. x zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

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@Izzie,

She got the blue peter badge in 2008 i think, she had a silver one and and a purple one as well i think, im not sure where they went. The pink medal was the Race for life, cancer research UK. She walked the whole thing after some of the most intense cemo you can get Smile

The dark blue ribbon was for Great Ormond Street bravery awards and the red white and blue was given to her by cornwall marines training center as "honary marine" Wink

She's got hundred of others, Diana Young Person award, Kids Kicking Cancer UK and stuff but those 3 were the ones she was proudest of.
That photo was taken by the hospital, it's still up on the wall there. Smile

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@ossobuco,

Thank you. All of you.
I just feel like i should be doing something, or shouldn't be.
I think i need a hobby. Rolling Eyes

lol.

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@AbbieMcKenley,

A hobby sounds like a good idea!

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Abbie, one other thought I had is that of the loved ones around Lilia, you seemed to be the one who was really dealing with things, not just hopinghopinghoping that she'd be cured. The one who really got how unlikely that was, and who looked at dealing with the end of her life in the best possible way.

It would make sense that this realism and present-ness means that you've already dealt with a great big chunk of your grief in a way that others are just beginning to do.

1 Reply

@AbbieMcKenley,

AbbieMcKenley wrote:

Thank you. All of you.
I just feel like i should be doing something, or shouldn't be.
I think i need a hobby. lol.

What do u think Lilia woud advise u to do ?

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Ah, sweetie, I know how it feels to ask yourself, "Is it just me?"

Given your posts here, I must say your grieving sounds perfectly normal, even healthy.

I think it's important to feel what YOU are feeling, and to allow yourself to feel that, whatever it is. There's no need to judge yourself, or to let others judge your reactions (or lack thereof).

From your posts here, I think you are a very strong and emotionally wise person, who will do very well in the future.

I like you. I'm way, way older than you, but I admire you, and your courage and fortitude in this very-difficult situation.

Hats Off to You, Abbie.

And Big Hugs, from Florida.

1 Reply

@BorisKitten,

Oh, and yeah, about that crying thing at the funeral:

I cried so hard and so loudly at my own sister's funeral that all of my relatives were, well, mortified. I simply could NOT shut up!

My relatives shuffled me off and stuffed me into a waiting limo, still making a huge racket, while they finished up the ceremony.

I still remember not having nearly enough tissues/hankies for all of my pathetic snot.

I wiped that excess snot on the arm-rest of the "rented" limo. For all I know, that snot is still there, 30 years later!

(Heck, do they clean those arm-rests after every funeral? Do they EVER clean them?)

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@sozobe,

I couldn't agree more on that, sozobe, that's what I was trying to express too.

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What the hell is wrong with me?

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