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How do I deal with my EXTREME passive aggressive sister?

 
 
ossobuco
 
  2  
Reply Mon 18 Jan, 2010 07:56 pm
@ossobuco,
ossobuco wrote:

" Over the holidays all of our family were getting together quite often and if I had to call her to remind her to bring dessert or ask her to run to the store real quick, I could tell she would get bothered, but "acted" fine with my request."

Wait a minute.. who is being the controller? Often, passive aggression is a learned response for the weakest/weaker person.


I'll repeat this. I think it's a whole family thing.
eoe
 
  2  
Reply Mon 18 Jan, 2010 09:26 pm
@ossobuco,
It's absolutely a 'whole family thing'. Wacky family members behave the way they do because the family puts up with them. It usually starts as children, one kid is a bully, another is cowardly, another is a liar, etc. and it progresses from there. Parents want to keep the peace, and in most cases they're usually at the root of it all anyway when it comes to dysfunctioning family dynamics, because of wherever they stood in the lineup as children in their own family dynamic. And it just goes on and on. Generation after generation. Every family is dysfunctional to some degree.
OmSigDAVID
 
  1  
Reply Mon 18 Jan, 2010 10:06 pm
@eoe,
eoe wrote:
It's absolutely a 'whole family thing'. Wacky family members behave the way they do because the family puts up with them. It usually starts as children, one kid is a bully, another is cowardly, another is a liar, etc. and it progresses from there. Parents want to keep the peace, and in most cases they're usually at the root of it all anyway when it comes to dysfunctioning family dynamics, because of wherever they stood in the lineup as children in their own family dynamic. And it just goes on and on. Generation after generation.

Every family is dysfunctional to some degree.
Well, I 'm very pleased with my own family experience.
I was essentially left to live my life in peace n freedom from age 8, without disturbance,
tho I coud and did confer with my parents to the degree that I chose,
so I will respectfully dissent from the idea that "Every family is dysfunctional to some degree."

In Arlene 's family, from her post, I surmize that her mom is afraid
to antagonize Tina and, therefore, she has told her other children to avoid doing so.





David
vikorr
 
  2  
Reply Tue 19 Jan, 2010 03:08 pm
@OmSigDAVID,
Quote:
In Arlene 's family, from her post, I surmize that her mom is afraid
to antagonize Tina and, therefore, she has told her other children to avoid doing so.

There is no such thing as truly passively copping abuse....it only appears passive on the surface...the payback escapes in other ways.

Passive people think they are being 'tolerant' of difficult people - they even believe themselves having the moral high ground for doing so...never realising the lack of honesty & integrity (pretending to feel different to what you really do), and sneaky payback (eg putting up a stonewall' / silently bitter distance etc from the other person...again lacking honesty / integrity..but with payback added) takes away any high moral ground they may wish to hold.

The reality is - their emotions of the 'passive' person always finds expression...usually in that persons actions towards the 'difficult' person...though sometimes the passive person directs their feelings towards another person.

In most cases, the 'passive' person just doesn't realise what they are doing.

The OP is a classic example of this. The problem usually stems from a combination of not knowing how to bring the subject up - which usually requires a combination of the right amount of caring, the right attitude, and thoughtful words....and the self esteem/belief/worth/sense of balance to do so.

The other side of passive aggressiveness...being agressive - flying off your handle and saying exactly what you want is much more honest...it's why such people are usually forgiven much more readily than passive-aggressive people - you know what you're dealing with when it's honest expression. Of course, those people can wreck relationships beyond repair with thoughtless words...and that's the problem...not the anger per se, but the thoughtless words, the lack of empathy they usually display...you can be angry, express anger, and still show empathy, understanding, and validation...it just takes a lot of guidance and skill to go down that path. If you search hard enough, you can find the answers yourself (in books...it's unlikely to just be an epiphany, though it might come that way)
mm25075
 
  2  
Reply Tue 19 Jan, 2010 05:21 pm
@vikorr,
vikorr wrote:

Quote:
In Arlene 's family, from her post, I surmize that her mom is afraid
to antagonize Tina and, therefore, she has told her other children to avoid doing so.


The reality is - their emotions of the 'passive' person always finds expression...usually in that persons actions towards the 'difficult' person...though sometimes the passive person directs their feelings towards another person.

In most cases, the 'passive' person just doesn't realise what they are doing.


I fully agree with this. If the passive person doesn't express their emotions openly it can create depression that takes a lot of soul searching to uncover the real cause.
0 Replies
 
OmSigDAVID
 
  1  
Reply Tue 19 Jan, 2010 05:45 pm
@vikorr,
vikorr wrote:
Quote:
In Arlene 's family, from her post, I surmize that her mom is afraid
to antagonize Tina and, therefore, she has told her other children to avoid doing so.

There is no such thing as truly passively copping abuse....it only appears passive on the surface...the payback escapes in other ways.

Passive people think they are being 'tolerant' of difficult people - they even believe themselves having the moral high ground for doing so...never realising the lack of honesty & integrity (pretending to feel different to what you really do), and sneaky payback (eg putting up a stonewall' / silently bitter distance etc from the other person...again lacking honesty / integrity..but with payback added) takes away any high moral ground they may wish to hold.

The reality is - their emotions of the 'passive' person always finds expression...usually in that persons actions towards the 'difficult' person...though sometimes the passive person directs their feelings towards another person.

In most cases, the 'passive' person just doesn't realise what they are doing.

The OP is a classic example of this. The problem usually stems from a combination of not knowing how to bring the subject up - which usually requires a combination of the right amount of caring, the right attitude, and thoughtful words....and the self esteem/belief/worth/sense of balance to do so.

The other side of passive aggressiveness...being agressive - flying off your handle and saying exactly what you want is much more honest...it's why such people are usually forgiven much more readily than passive-aggressive people - you know what you're dealing with when it's honest expression. Of course, those people can wreck relationships beyond repair with thoughtless words...and that's the problem...not the anger per se, but the thoughtless words, the lack of empathy they usually display...you can be angry, express anger, and still show empathy, understanding, and validation...it just takes a lot of guidance and skill to go down that path. If you search hard enough, you can find the answers yourself (in books...it's unlikely to just be an epiphany, though it might come that way)
In some cases, the passive-aggressive person believes
that it is intolerably dangerous to express himself openly & with candor.
He can be correct about that; how the offensive person will address
the situation when faced with sincere objections to his conduct is UNPREDICTABE.
It might vary according to mood.
vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Tue 19 Jan, 2010 10:08 pm
@OmSigDAVID,
David, that is always a possibility, and it is also a minority situation.
sullyfish6
 
  0  
Reply Tue 19 Jan, 2010 10:35 pm
I don't have a sister and the dynamics between my friend's sisters make me glad of it.

I never see such ass-kissing and forgiveness of bad behavior between people ONLY because they are related!!!

For your own sanity, limit or cut off your time spent with her. Do it with loving detachment. Learn how to distance yourself, lovingly, from her.
0 Replies
 
OmSigDAVID
 
  1  
Reply Tue 19 Jan, 2010 10:57 pm
@vikorr,
vikorr wrote:
David, that is always a possibility, and it is also a minority situation.
What I posted is not limited to considerations of violence.
It can concern other factors of family dynamics, in some cases
possibly having fiscal side effects, as to which the passive-aggressive
person must decide whether those effects r tolerable,
or not, and cope accordingly.

There r many different kinds of personal family situations.

vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Wed 20 Jan, 2010 01:55 pm
@OmSigDAVID,
Quote:
In some cases, the passive-aggressive person believes that it is intolerably dangerous to express himself openly & with candor.

David, you've made a statement to which I replied...and you're now claiming it's a much more open/encompassing frame than your original statement has. Intolerably dangerous situations are the minority (and by nature, intolerably dangerous situations vary from just unpredictable to very unpredictable)

Conversational debate can't exist where you you believe you can change the frame of what you've previously said.


OmSigDAVID
 
  2  
Reply Wed 20 Jan, 2010 01:58 pm
@vikorr,
There r all different kinds of dangers.
vikorr
 
  0  
Reply Wed 20 Jan, 2010 02:00 pm
@OmSigDAVID,
True...but you are still talking about intolerably dangerous situations (while trying to now make it just 'dangers')...and I am, and have been stating...intolerably dangerous situations are the minority.

I don't see why you keep trying to poing out that dangers come in various forms - that is a given.
OmSigDAVID
 
  2  
Reply Wed 20 Jan, 2010 02:02 pm
@vikorr,
vikorr wrote:

True...but you are still talking about intolerably dangerous situations (while trying to now make it just 'dangers')...and I am, and have been stating...intolerably dangerous situations are the minority.

I don't see why you keep trying to poing out that dangers come in various forms - that is a given.
Some of those dangers r of a quality
that one is not willing to tolerate.
Its a matter of personal choice.
Gala
 
  3  
Reply Wed 20 Jan, 2010 02:08 pm
Where are you arlene? All these people are posting and you've not acknowleged one of them.
OmSigDAVID
 
  1  
Reply Wed 20 Jan, 2010 02:21 pm
@Gala,
Yeah, it looks like we lost Arlene.
0 Replies
 
vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Wed 20 Jan, 2010 03:46 pm
@OmSigDAVID,
Quote:
Some of those dangers r of a quality
that one is not willing to tolerate.
Its a matter of personal choice.

I agree...and that has nothing to do with the post you replied to. Just as have none of your replies so far.
OmSigDAVID
 
  2  
Reply Wed 20 Jan, 2010 05:39 pm
@vikorr,
Do wish to ask me anything?
0 Replies
 
Junebuggy
 
  0  
Reply Sun 5 Dec, 2010 12:23 am
@Pemerson,
I like your response. Passive-aggressive people definitely avoid and squash open communication, that is a big part of the problem with ever coming to a resolution. If you say nothing you remain a victim. If you are not careful in what you say, you will only reinforce their way of thinking and come out of the talk feeling that the eggshells you have been walking on AND YOU are crushed. They are good at establishing a status-quo that they like. It will take more than expecting the PA sister to listen to her sibling -- the sibling also has to think about how she comes across if any progress is to be made.

There is a statement in the original message that really bothers me: "...if I had to call her to remind her to bring dessert or ask her to run to the store real quick, I could tell she would get bothered, but "acted" fine with my request. Later my mom or other sister would tell me that my Tina feels that I am treating her like a kid..."

WHY did the sibling "HAVE" to call or remind Tina to bring dessert or ask her to run to the store real quick? Maybe, just maybe Tina has a point. If she is unreliable with remembering things like bringing dessert, then the sibling can let Tina fall flat on her face by forgetting then tell her outright but diplomatically why and how that lets everyone down, no excuses accepted. If Tina is reliable with remembering things like bringing dessert, then the actual PA behavior is in an unneeded reminder, and Tina probably is justified in being pissed off at being treated like a child. Ditto with the running to the store real quick -- what is really going on there? If it is a case of "oops, Aunt Betty forgot the ice cream so the family asked if I would call you to see if you mind picking up ice cream on your way over" that is one thing. If it is a case of "I somehow conveniently and for the 70th time forgot something I'm supposed to bring so now you, Tina, have to pick it up and are an a** if you don't like it," then again the actual PA behavior is not Tina's. Yeah, altogether, stepping out of the pecking order is called for. So is an honest look at the sibling's own motivations and how she can communicate with Tina in a new way, 'cause what's going on now isn't working.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  0  
Reply Mon 6 Dec, 2010 11:31 am
Agreed.

Tina might just have a sanquine personality. The OP could be a choleric personality. The two clash, big time.

So don't rely on her to bring the dessert. But she could decorate the table or be responsible for the fun games after dinner.
0 Replies
 
wordimages
 
  0  
Reply Sun 1 Jan, 2012 09:36 pm
@arlenesegura,
Well...oddly my name is Catina...I have two sisters....am the eldest...and have a middle sister who treats me and talks about me much like you do. Only she's also passive agressive in my view...she talks about me to all of her friends and my cousins so that no one will befriend me or ostracise me under the guise of her ill perceptions about me. My youngest sister...tells me I try to steal her friends, children's affection or husband. In fact, she lives not too far from me and I have never felt lonlier. She only recently had a good let it all yelling match with me. Only after 12 passive agressive filled years...has she told me that she hates me because I sent an email to her friend calling her my sister a racist (I was smitten by a guy from another colour group) ... Well...that was my bad but I was angry for her being so...passive agressive...I retalliated. It turns out that though you have the lingo of a well read self-help faddista...I'd say you may not be seeing the whole picture. Not having motherly or fatherly affections causes sibilings to play these childish games...but...we've given it a new name now...sort of like rebranding...LOL. May I suggest you read something more on the science end of things to get another perspective...I like mixing up my genres...I guess...and I like to offer a biological compentent to things now and then..."Neurodiversity"....it's a book about thngs like ADHD, Aspergers and even OCDs....from a brain wiring compenent...it's tre cool...I hope you girls can work it out...learn to chill and not talk to eachother when you're angry...maybe look into Learning Disabilities....they kind of make big sister feel like a kid...afterall...if she's not married like me...she might just be pissed you treat her like a kid...or your mom might be ... passive agressive and makes little snide remarks like... you can't (the writer asking said question...) wash the dishes because you have kids, a job, and a husband...giving her the feeling she is inferior to you in your mom's eyes thus...sibiling rivarly... LOL. I love psych...can you tell ?
If you're sister is like me...ADHD...she probably doesn't know it yet...she might actually be frustrated with the whole world and distrusting of everyone because deep down inside she knows she's smart but can't figure out why you got the family...she probably has failed at a lot of things...jobs, relationships...not being able to plan a simple thing like a vacation for her self...who knows....well...I hope this helps... and stop telling her to stop acting so irrationally or imaturely...until she is "trained' by a professional ADHD Coach (and I ain't one...but I'm getting me one)....she won't know how to hold her tongue, anger, or express her frustrations...in the manner that those stupid self help books say she should.... LOL. Anxiety comes from unmanaged ADHD sometimes.... trust me. I'm not wired to hold on to my impulses so I just had to set the record straight. If you got more questions...well...ask me. Peace.
0 Replies
 
 

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