my wife cheated with another woman, a lesbian

You sound like a "piece of work", as Americans say, and I am not surprised your wife found that she preferred women.

What a fleeting statement contrex. I think you're being too hard on the guy.

I'm sure it would be pretty tough to deal with ...........finding out that your wife was a lesbian. Why is he the 'piece of work?'

There are plenty of women out there who have stuck with their husband even though they knew he was gay (leading a double life). I bet they tried to change him and push the other guy (s) out of the equation. Damn I'm sure it happens when partners cheat too. Trying to gain back that control over your life again. Isn't it slightly manipulating to go ahead with a marriage this way when you have doubts about your sexuality?

I feel sorry for people who have to deal with this kind of thing. An even bigger blow to think they had these feelings and yet carried on and married you. It's not fair to do that to someone. Who knows how anyone would react.

i'd rather my wife leave me for a woman than a man, is your wife leaves with a man, you're left thinking, what did he have that i didn't, if she leaves with a woman, there's at least one obvious answer

No one can force another person to love them.

So your wife is in love with another person - male or female - and you are going to have to accept that. Grieve, get mad, accept it, then move on.

You spent 3 grand on therapy? Now THAT's something I'd regret!

Interesting - because (not really believing in "labels") I would say
that just because a woman falls in love with a person who happens
to also be a woman, it's pointless to call them lesbians. They have
just each found another with whom they are comfortable being
intimate and close. To call her a lesbian is really not the truth of
the situation. She is just a person - no doubt seeking some kind of
intimacy with another person just like you. In YOUR case, it seems
like you both didn't care enough about the relationship as it existed
between YOU TWO to really recreate the room for a continuing
relationship after she "cheated on you" as you put it. I wouldn't be
surprised, my dear, if your wife wasn't in a way "pushed into"
continuing the relationship with this other woman by YOUR
inability to get over the fact that it happened in the first place. The
fact that your dear wife was human, had feet of clay (as do we all)
was, perhaps, too much for your male ego to deal with. And from
what you HAVE said here, it doesn't sound like you spent one
thin dime on family therapy OR if you did, you weren't listening
to your wife & maybe she wasn't listening to you either. But it isn't
so easy or simple, my dear, as you try to describe it. You cannot
just pigeonhole people with these labels & get away with it. You
know it ALWAYS takes two to tango as the saying goes - so what
were you busy doing while your wife found the time to develop a
relationship with someone else? From what I know of intimate
relationships, if you're paying attention to your partner at all -
you would notice something was going on immediately, from
DAY ONE, if she were having a relationship with someone else -
you would just know. But you did not, did you? All of this
makes me think that perhaps you might profit from this
experience best by simply examining your own behavior with
regards to this entire experience & situation. For in the end ,
the only person that we can EVER change is ourselves, so it
is best to do all that we can to change ourselves, get rid of any
negative, useless, old habits, learn what real intimacy is, learn
from all of our life experiences and try again. If genuine
intimacy with another is truly what you seek - you WILL find
it. I am sure of that.

I have to say, if I was having problems in a relationship/marriage, I'd first of all talk and if that didn't sort it, reluctantly split. I'd not go on the rebound with another 'person'- society is full of labels unfortunately. I'd give myself time and get to know me, which I think is exactly what she needs. To get to know who she really is- label or unlabel as you wish. I find it amazing how the guy immediately gets 'labelled' in our society as the one who neglected her. Yep, it's 50/50 in a relationship. I'm sure lots of women play away multiple times without the guy even knowing and then someone on a forum comes along and says' surely if you were taking notice of her this wouldn't have happened'. Maybe he was just too busy working his ass off paying for the bills etc? Sorry to stereotype or label.

Well my wife fell in love with another women and that women was my best friend for 17 years. The thing is my wife had this bi-curious and wanted to experiment women so she cheated me with a girl behind my back so. I had to find out by discovering what's she has been doing behind my back. So we kind of worked it out cause I told her thats still considered cheating but if she's into women then ok where do I fit in. She's like well you can join one day.. yeah I know a mans dream come true but still I dont feel comfortable about doing that cause what about the consequences? So we ended up joining this swingers club just for her enjoyment not much of mine. Yeah yeah at first it was great but second time it's not much fun. So I began to worried about the idea of her going somewhere and meeting a couple instead of one on one women. Months pass and finding fakers and women that do not step up to the plate. So one night I thought about my bff to see if this can work for a bit. She first thought it was a joke so i said no ...why not I can trust her. So we did and we did it again this went for months and not knowing that feelings started to exchange between them that I didn't see it. This went on for 5 months and one day after couple days of my birthday wife lays next to me after having a wine conversation downstairs she tells me she's in love ..i'm like what do you mean love. Like love her in bff? no i'm in love with her. So i'm like WTF no this can't be you guys can't do this. This isn't right ...plus we have two young kids...I tried so many times to tell my bff to stop this but she continues to tell me it's her decision (wife) if she wants to stop this. I'm like BS!! you need to stop this cause it's destroying my marriage and kids ..my family don't you understand! To this point I've notice she's doing this cause she doesn't have kids or jealous not having a family and she's trying to take mine. Till this day I've been having depressions , stress and suicidal
that I ended up in the hospital for a week and another time for trying to kill myself. Yes I know you must think for you children but it's not feeling up to my kids cause they are still young and I feel like I failed them. If it was longer time with they are older then who knows but not right now it's too soon.
Wife said reason is cause she's not in love with me and she felt this way for almost two years. I'm like it's not true I felt yours and know this to be true that deep down in your heart you love me but she says yes. But as a father to our kids and nothing more ..more like bestfriends. Till this day I'm still sad and can't get over it ...I still love her everything I see, hear walk around reminds me of us. My life is not worth this pain and seeing my kids especially my daughter asking and mentioning about the other women. ..Breaks my heart. I should point her out..this soo called bff out? at least her myspace that's private but you can see her and wonder why??

Like I said: scream, cry, then accept it.

You need to pull yourself together and fill the job of being a father.

You had a part in this: you did not listen to your wife, you entered into a 3-way with your bff, and then you are SO surprsied that your wife falls in love with your bff. You continue to not listen to her or accept her feelings.

Suicide is the final temper tantrum. Grow up.