my cheathing wife

You have been married to her for ten years, yet you have no idea what makes her tick.......this explains it all. Not that this is unusual, guys tend to be deaf and blind.

GET A LAWYER.

I know , but is it a fantasy will she be sorry later

Probably more like wishful thinking!

Do you want her to try to come back to you? No one here has a crystal ball, but I'm thinking that she's successfully walked away from your marriage and her lover has now done the same. I don't think she's looking to come back to you. Particularly not while you're the custodial parent of your children. She's left you, she's left them, she's got a bf who was apparently willing to leave his wife for her. Sounds like she's gotten what she was looking for -- a fresh start. I hope whatever agreement the two of you reach results in your children having positive relationships with both of their parents.

I learned a lot from this site:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/

It has many insightful articles that explain why affairs happen.

In short, she had emotional needs that weren't being met. Deposits weren't being made and the love bank ran dry. She became infatuated with someone else who met her needs for conversation and companionship. The other guy was making huge deposits in the love bank. Now she feels like she's in love with the other person because he is meeting her emotional needs, at least for now. It may be temporary. But she doesn't know that. Give her time. Perhaps she will discover that she made a mistake; perhaps she won't.

But don't let that stop you from educating yourself about relationships. Review the materials on the marriage builder's website. You will learn a lot. You might learn what to do to woo back your wife; you might learn how to make your next relationship more successful. It will definitely help you to deal with the pain. I wish you well.

The above advice all seems sound to me. The only other thing I would add is that it is not your responsibility to determine whether or not what she is experiencing is 'fantasy' (or not).

That's purely for her to decide...and find out. If it turns bad for her...that is also her sole responsibility to learn from. You can be there for support for her (though whether or not you should is another conversation altogether), but not make the decision for her.

ok guys thanks for every thing, well she came over this week end we talk and had sex :-) she said she wants to come back to me and go to counsiling, but she still loves the other guy, i still love her and i know it will take time to things to heal, right now i feel good my feelings for her are gone,like i dont care what she does or do"s..I told her i will change,i need to change and am a change man..but guys if i give her a 2nd chancewill she do it again, she said she loves this guy and its goin to be hard for her cause she works with him.should i walk away

From the marriage builder's website:

Coping with Infidelity: Part 1
How Do Affairs Begin?

"Affairs usually begin with an attraction to someone you know fairly well, someone you spend time with each week -- your friends and co-workers."

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5059_qa.html

Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?

"There are three parts to the way affairs should end. The first part is revealing the affair to one's spouse, the second part is never seeing or communicating with the lover again, and the third part is getting through symptoms of withdrawal after a permanent separation takes place."
. . .

[Refers to the unfaithful spouse:] "After revealing an affair, your spouse will no longer trust you. But lack of trust does not ruin a marriage, it's the lack of care and protection that ruins marriages. Your spouse should not trust you, and the sooner your spouse realizes it, the better. "
. . .

"The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through hell. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure."

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

Based on the foregoing, your wife should quit her job and find employment elsewhere. She must NEVER see or communicate with her lover again. Unless she is willing to agree to that requirement, you should not attempt a reconciliation.

In one sentence you say you still love her, then you immediately follow that by saying you have no feelings for her and don't care what she does.

So... why take her back then? Why do you want her?

If you're thinking of rebuilding your marriage, I think you should get some counselling on your own - you obviously don't know what you feel anymore, and there's nothing wrong with that, but it's impossible to move forward until you do. And if I were you, I'd take Debra Law's advice and read that website. Sounds like it has good insight into why we do what we do.

I wouldn't take her back until she has a different job, has ended her affair, you've gotten some one-on-one counselling, and she's gotten some, too. Once those things have happened, you can get counselling together to see if you both still want to be married.

This is a real mess, but you must stop letting her USE you while she still is with her lover.

She cheated on you with him; Now she has cheated on him (with you)

You are going to have to be strong on this and I don't think you have the strength to do this. You must talk to someone (counselor, wise older person, religious leader, someone . . ) to help sort this out.

Your focus should be on the children. Don't talk bad about her in front of them. tell them that both you and your wife are going thru some troubling times, but you and her will always be parents to them. Do not prevent your wife from seeing the children, perhaps you can leave the house and let them visit together. They should not go to her little "love nest" she has with this guy. '

hey guy here a update..my wife broke up her lover.. weeks ago and talk to me about getting back together,we talk ,and talk about every thing/ i understand why she did this but does give her right to find a lover , that lover was usingher and i told her long time ago,weeks..i just hope she does not do it again...what do you guys think? am my wrong

Everyone deserves a second chance - good luck to you!

dodgevic
Same thing has only recently happened to me. Mine told me it was like a soap opera and wasnt real and that she woke up to herself and came back. It was going on for two months.I as well have two kids. Your partner needs to talk to a phycologist and you a counciller. If she is gone for good you still need to talk to someone or you will fall in a heap. Your kids need someone who is thinking and level headed. I feel and have felt your pain. Texting on the phone seems to be the way it starts today. All I can say is if she does come back will you except her and trust her again. If not sorry mate, Its all over. Why you??? Mine told me I was too nice to her and put her on a pedestal. She wanted to be an equal. Maybe thats what happened in your case. I dont know but I hope whichever way it goes you keep your head up for your kids and talk it out with friend, family and maybe a phycologist. So sorry for your pain

you barely even know her! send her my way shell be happy.