Tue 21 Oct, 2008 03:15 pm
We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.
In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all of the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.
To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs.
You get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue. You get to make the red states pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.
Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high-tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
We get the Kennedy Performing Art Center and the Carnegie Hall, you get Branson, Missouri.
Additionally, you get those 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent who believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, the 44 percent who say that evolution is only a theory, those 53 percent who think that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and the 61 percent of you crazy monsters who believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties, regardless of the rape and murder statistics that show it ain't necessarily so.
By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.
That's a HURRAH! <smiles>
Oh, this is going to be fun.
I shall return.
What.... Are there any Red States left?
and what of us who live in Red States ( but some starting to look mighty pale) but choose to come with you? I assume that will be okay...or will we have to sign some sort of blood oath?
We southerners tried really hard to get rid of you northern red-staters about 140 years ago and you just wouldn't let us leave. What makes you think you get a do-over?
how'd that work out for you?
Can Austin come, too? We've got a really good research university.
Admittedly not so well since you warmongers felt you had to invade our sacred southern soil and kill our men-folk and rape our fair maidens. Then of course Sherman had to come through burning our crops to starve us into submission.
I didn't come South until long after the War....but I have deflowered a many of your Southern women....
You, sir, are not a gentleman. If'n I culd fand my pistols I wuld challenge you northern scumbag to a duel. A duel sir! Lucky for you that I'm a lousy shot and so will refrain from said honorable action at this time. But be warned that we southners will not tolerate your kind much longer.
but think of how we have bolstered your gene pool....
CR buddy I consider myself a southerner and wouldn't go back north for all the sweet tea and pulled pork in eastern NC.
Austin is democrat country; and our son lives there, so of course you'll be welcome.
Well, leastways it seems you have come to your senses. You jest gotta stop hogging up the deflowering of all our womens.
Jest twixt the two of us, I too am an adopted southerner. Course, I twas born in the Old Line State, so I guess that makes me a borderline southerner anyhows.
Y'all shouldn't confuse "Red States" with Southern States.
The current "Red States" are Texas, Mississippi, Louisiana and Alabama.
There are plenty of Southern states not on this list. They are either Blue States or Tossups.
Now thar you go ebrown, ruinin all our fun.
fair question, we'll swap you for chjsa, but you have to throw in squinney too
had we known what a drag on the economy and national culture you would be we would have sold your land to mexico
I wouldn't think of leaving home without her...