The Large Hadron Collider and Loose Bowel Movements

Many of you, like me, were skeptical of various groups alleging doomsday scenarios associated with the activation of the Large Hadron Collider. In fact, I suspected the LHC would have no impact on anything whatsoever. I thought to myself, "Hmm, it seems they've built a giant Dork Machine."

Today, we understand that the LHC has, actually, impacted us rather negatively. You know what I'm talking about, right? The explosive diarrhea?

How haughty I was when I awoke this morning. Shaving, I thought to myself, "Shitheads everywhere are burrowing in crude bunkers with flashlights and canned goods. Fucking hilarious."

And now, but hours later--after curiously fingering a dead pigeon I saw on the way to a suspect, hole-in-the-wall, 24-hour burrito shack where I washed three enchiladas down with a cup of kind-of-thick-looking coffee--I am in abject despair. Damn you, Large Hadron Collider!

Who knew that mere protons carroming about a ring could cause such widespread discomfort? It has created a black hole after all; I am of course referring to my anus, now viciously sucking out everything that enters my digestive system.

At least we are all going through this together, right?