A good cry on the train

Here Joe, this is for you: my most recent Transitions and Changes favorite song by Fionna Apple (ignore that she's high on cocaine there, it's still great):


I certainly haven't been shopping for any new shoes
-And-
I certainly haven't been spreading myself around
I still only travel by foot and by foot, it's a slow climb,
But I'm good at being uncomfortable, so
I can't stop changing all the time

I notice that my opponent is always on the go
-And-
Won't go slow, so's not to focus, and I notice
He'll hitch a ride with any guide, as long as
They go fast from whence he came
- But he's no good at being uncomfortable, so
He can't stop staying exactly the same

If there was a better way to go then it would find me
I can't help it, the road just rolls out behind me
Be kind to me, or treat me mean
I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine

I seem to you to seek a new disaster every day
You deem me due to clean my view and be at peace and lay
I mean to prove I mean to move in my own way, and say,
I've been getting along for long before you came into the play

I am the baby of the family, it happens, so
- Everybody cares and wears the sheeps' clothes
While they chaperone
Curious, you looking down your nose at me, while you appease
- Courteous, to try and help - but let me set your
Mind at ease
(Chorus)
-Do I so worry you, you need to hurry to my side?
-It's very kind
But it's to no avail; I don't want the bail
I promise you, everything will be just fine

If there was a better way to go then it would find me
I can't help it, the road just rolls out behind me
Be kind to me, or treat me mean
I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine

Don't you DARE send me a thank you note!

I would think I had made work for you instead of giving you a treat. The last thing I want to do is create work for anybody, especially my friends.

You've already made it plain that you enjoyed it. That's all I need to know.

I swear, if you send a note, I will send a "thank you for your thank you note" note. Then you'll owe me another one. And another. And another. I will keep it up ad infinitum. You will be very, very sorry. Got it?

Aw, there's been so much good advice and well-phrased support here. I don't really have much to add. I have to say that this caught my eye, though:



A little parenthetical aside. No big deal. Just a little, tiny, itsy-bitsy half marathon!!

soz(youremyhero)obe

i did not notice that, due to the colonoscopy appointment :-[ You have my unending sympathy.

Yeah, saw that too. Thanks for bringing it out though ,Soz-. Joe, we applaud you!
There are people in your situation who would just do the 'curl up & die' thing, but not our Joe! So, here's to you, Joe (you rock!) Nation!

Re: Joe Nation(Post 3393226)


Your assignment is to write three paragraphs.
Everyone else's assignment is to guess what you will write.

Joe(take your time at least until Friday, then we must know.)Nation

Tico wrote:
Dat's where I got mine from. Just opened the door and there they was.

Joe(also tape, almonds and a shitlist pad.)Nation

Eva wrote:
Dunno, sounds like a good way to have some kind of ongoing conversation unless it boils down to "No, No, thank YOOOOU."
A mixture of the Chip and Dale and Steve Martin.

Joe()Nation

Sympathy for which? The Half Marathon or the colonoscopy? The only good thing I can think of combing the two is that I will not have to stop during the Half Marathon for anything....because I will be an empty vessel. (heh)

Thanks for the song..... .

Devi:
I am just trying the best I can to be as normal (whatever that is for me) as possible. It's not always possible. I get odd thoughts about how ashamed I should be over this, I begin to wonder will people wonder what the hell is wrong with that boy? And I won't have any answer. AND just as soon as I am done with that, suddenly I feel fully alive and free and (not hysterically) joyful.

Joe(If I wore a mood ring, the poor thing would be worn out by now.)Nation

What do you call THIS???

(Big sigh.)

Guilt isn't gonna work with you, is it.

So, I'm reading along, nodding my head, understanding where you're head is at, feeling what you're feeling because you express it so well and then I come to this and stop. I read it again and try the tilt the head to the side option and read it again. I tilt the head to the other side and still don't get it.

So, I gotta ask... what is it that you think you should be ashamed of? Just in case it's that you are somehow responsible for someone else's decisions, or that you should have seen this coming and somehow changed the course of events, or that you must be an SOB because otherwise how could she have left then throw that **** in the trash right now. If it's something else then it probably belongs in the trash too but there's no need to beat yourself up over it -- particularly when you don't feel it!

After the breakup of my first marriage I once told a friend that the only thing I felt guilty about was that I didn't feel guilty. If I read you right, you're feeling guilty about not feeling shame. Well, good for you for not feeling ashamed. Dump the guilt for feeling how you feel and not feeling how you think someone else expects you to feel.

2 unsupported sets of opinions, not worth a lot.

1. The shame of the person who is betrayed derives from having placed your trust with someone who wasn't worthy of it. It's a form of "laudable pus" and a sign of the start of healing.

2. I think running 13 miles within 48hrs of a colonoscopy is a BAD idea. Both things take a lot out of you (er, grin, sorry) and I have visions of you knocking yourself out halfway. I wish you wouldn't do it, Joe.

i think it may be a shame of "failing"...no matter how, even self-admittedly, irrational that feeling may be. at least that's what it was for me.

Joe, totally understand the not being normal right now. It's NOT normal to have your life thrown for a loop and then have to pick up the mess, sort it out and put pieces back together. I'm going through my own stuff - (on another thread, no need to mention here.) Funny thing is, what you're feeling IS normal under the circumstances. Too bad it feels so schizophrenic, huh? I just think you're handling your situation with grace and fortitude. I, for one, am proud of you just for doing what you're doing - going on with your life the best way you know how.

Yes, me too. Failing because we feel we "should" be able to make the thing come out OK.

Should is such a big word.

Even the idea that you "should" be feeling shame, Joe.

Everybody deals differently, no 2 situations or sets of emotions are the same.

You don't have to feel what anybody else did.

I'm so inspired by the strength you exhibit.

I felt a failure... but so did my exhub.... it was a failure - couldn't be helped.

When you start to fail AT failing... then you start living better... When you start live you can then ridiculously feel guilty for not being a failure. When you stop feeling guilty for not being a failure....... LIFE STARTS! No timeframe. It will get better. It will. It will. It will. It will. It will.

There are no two similar circumstances.... but experiences can intertwine with others experiences. Coz no-one know what others feel 'til they say it out loud. Then you realise... "mmmm... yep... other's do ""get" it."

The big fairground rollercoaster that twists and turns with raucous laughter and screams of fear, it 'aint got nothing on the emotional rollercoaster. But then....eventually... it will stop for you Joe (nah, not a failure, just starting to live) Nation. x

(I should go....no good typing with sleeping pills... I gotta sleep. x)

Well thought out replies from everyone, I like the idea of the pus, I don't know why. The doctor and I have discussed the half marathon and he says "What the hell, try it. " I like him.

Let me explain something about what I meant by shame.

One thing first, I have decided that I cannot run and drink alcohol. So I am continuing to ..... ..... .. run. I can have a drink or two, but I must be within reach of another human being. No drinks while on the phone with the kiddo in Dallas and never again while alone.
(I know this technically means that I can drink on a crowded subway car, but I shall try to be more responsible than that.)

It makes me stupid.

Okay, about shame.

There's guy I know, I am going to tell you his name because I like it so much, it's Mitch Cinnamon. Isn't that a great name, it needs to be in a book. I've known him through the hardware business. He was one of the folks who set up (with his boss's money) the Shake Shack. I helped Mitch solve several problems, electrical, plumbing and the like. He was very grateful for the ideas and when I mentioned that I was looking for a nice place to take to L for our seventeen anniversary he immediately called over to one of his sister restaurants, Eleven Madison, and got us a primo table and arranged for us to have a extra special evening.

The years go on, Mitch moves to several other restaurants, always calling in for help on problems or for recommendations. Very cool guy but I don't see him for years. Then, the night L and I had dinner with Frank on the Pan, as we are leaving, I see Mitch at a table with friends. Up he comes, handshakes all around, big hello for L., yadda yadda and 'How are things?" "Everything's good." " I need to call you on something." Yadda yadda. We go.

Okay, the day before yesterday, the phone rings. It's Mitch. There's a problem with the way some tiles have been put up and now they need to get ....blah blah blah. I give him a good answer, tell him what to get and he says "How are things?"
..... um, er ...um "Great." I say." Hope to see you over at the Pan sometime." and I hang up.

I am getting good at telling people. I am. I am getting used to the shock on their faces, the stammers, the Ohnoholycraps and the shaking heads, but I just couldn't tell Mitch about the split. Not yet at least.

I don't know, it's a swirl of emotions this. One moment I'm chirping like a bird, the next I am brimming up as I try to pick out a birthday card for my sister. Wha? One second I am thinking about going through my email addresses to send out a general announcement and the next I am thinking I'd prefer if only the few who know now remain those in the know. It is interesting for me to watch myself go through this, I am nothing if I am not introspective.

One of the things I am supposed to do in preparation for meeting with my lawyer(s) is to write out the story of my marriage. It was twenty years, but the story will be far shorter than my marathon thread.

Tonight's projects are to measure the closet for the replacement of the shelves and clothesrod, hang a mirror above the couch and go bed early.

Joe(actually slept through the night last night.)Nation

PS A big thank you to Eva.

Joe...

I don't know that I have put three paragraphs in print since my High School "papers for sale" days.

I speak in pages, I type in short, compact sentences, there is a reason...

(I suggest your story be in 3rd person, if the law requires a requiem...)

Rock (not terribly literate) Head

Joe, I find your writing to be sheer poetry. Never could put words together well or so eloquently as you do. Coming from a counselor type, it's interesting that you talk about watching yourself go through the introspection process. Sounds dangerously close to my field, but IMHO, a very good thing. It's all definitely a process, this human trip. Our minds, hearts & bodies go through a sort of dance of feelings and reactions as we move our way through our "stuff". I find it a funny sort of mysterious thing...

p.s. Loved that song, Dagmarka1

Rockhead. I,too, was hoping you'd expand om the "three foot universe" concept.

If you can pull the words together, I'd love to understand what you meant.