A good cry on the train

One thing I hope you'll do, when you get a chance, is look back at a good, happy, pleasurable time. A great day. A beautiful sunset. A perfect run. The best sandwich ever. The best sex ever. Hey, whatever works for you.

And put it in the bank.

And when you need to, occasionally, take a withdrawl from the bank.

jes(one of my deposits is from the day I got my current job; another is my wedding day; another is from the first time we hosted Thanksgiving)pah

I going to try to do that, what happens now is that I start thinking back and the loss of it all looms up. So maybe just not yet, but yet.

I am not thinking about the present in any kind of rational way either.
This from yesterday's Notes for the Blog.

The fellow I live with is funny.
He got up early to go on a long run yesterday,
but then get involved in changing the beneficiaries on some Life Insurance.
That took some looking up of addresses and emails
and getting the scanner to actually scan.
So, he didn't go run, but that was good
because his son called
and they talked for over a half hour.

And he did the laundry,
vacuumed,
filled and ran the dishwasher,
washed the dust layer off of the radiators,
cleaned the A/C filter,
put the dishes and the wash away,
moved the living room furniture around (again),
got the mail and read the Co-op monthly report therein,
put a Yew shrub to be placed in the front of the building on his credit card,
met the grocery delivery guy at the door and
put away the groceries,
made a large martini,
made and ate dinner,
got a second phone call from the son
in which they decided some things for the future
while he spread a coat of floor polish over the entrance area of the apartment,
packed a bag of gym clothes and a lunch to take to the race in the morning
and he still felt bad about not running.

He said as he drained his glass, "I was lazy the whole day."
I said, "No, think back."
He said, "No, you think back, I'm going to bed."

Joe(what am I supposed to do with him?)Nation

Pour him another martini, Joe, and keep his spirit up, lend an understanding ear, offer encouragement. That's what best friends are for, eh.

And don't put that yew right next to the wall...

And keep him working, he's a treasure.

(I'm thinking The Odd Couple here)

Now I have the theme song stuck in my head.

He sounds very industrious, jn. And a lil avoiding of some things. Understandable, though, I'd say.

Frankly, avoidance rules. Part of reconnection to self.

Of course it's not good to avoid court orders, yadda yadda, but otherwise, don't be working up guilty for not picking up every email every minute.

"Frankly, avoidance rules. Part of reconnection to self." Ain't THAT the truth!

eyes pips as someone to listen to..

One reason I like Spikepipsqueak's name is that it can so easily be divided into at least four or five likable nicknames. Spike, Pip, pipsqueak, Squeak but there's more. Someone should start a thread.
====
It's been a very good day.
L's best friend emailed me and said that she had been saddened and shocked by the whole turn of events, that she hoped I was okay and had me in her thoughts. I was so grateful for her words. Such a simple thing to do but as she herself said "a bit awkward because I don't know what to say." I wrote back to say that any words are better than none and that I was so happy to hear from her.

Here's something that struck me as odd. The best friend hadn't heard about the breakup from L, but from someone else. So much for best friendship when you are planning an escape, right? Anyway, I didn't mention that thinking to the friend, a person I admire very much. I don't think I will ever mention again except here, but am I wrong to think it's odd?

It was a beautiful day in New York after yesterday rains and I took advantage. I went on a short, interrupted, run early in the day. Came home, made a nice breakfast and then took a nap until noon. (I am still not sleeping past 3AM) Then I went out again to run and this time it was just a nice ramble along the river and through the woods. Very relaxing. I had forgotten my Zen player so I was stuck with my thoughts.
My thoughts were about how to stretch all the food I had into next week and I must say my brain and mind and stomach worked together brillantly while my legs and heart and lungs did all the work.

I came home and while broiling a cut-up chicken, I made vegetable broth from an onion, some garlic, bay leaves and about a pound of green beans. Part of the broiled chicken bones got thrown into the broth and then some noodles and both wings and a big chunk of chicken breast.
I'm going to need some chicken soup, I am going in for a colonoscopy on Friday.
(I'm also running a Half Marathon on next Sunday.)
Meanwhile I made a big bag of salad, I put half a ribeye steak into a freezer bag and I paired up a pile of fruit and yogurt for some good eating mid-week. The chicken legs and thighs are going to be lunchs.

You all have no idea how much your posts mean to me.
I had no idea how much they would mean to me.
Just the idea that someone would take the time to express words of encourgement to a stranger, someone you don't even know, just proves to me that evolution must seek out those who feel more and love more and reach out more and protect them from the armies of despair and saddness. (I cannot thank all of you enough.)

I was hoping for bad weather today so I could have one of Eva's Hot chocolates, but the skies are incredibly clear. So blue. I went up to the roof tonight and drank a glass of wine while watching the planes fly the slope into JFK. They make a little string of aircraft, beads in the night, each turning and then sliding down the same angle until lost behind those distant buildings.

How many on board those planes have such good friends as I have?

Joe(Not many, Spike. Not many, Pip. Not many, Squeak)Nation

Joe,

Been trying not to "project" on you...

I have a phrase, don't know nor care if I really coined it.

I call it the "three foot universe".

I sense that your lady was the proud posessor of said image.

R(I'm here, just silent more than not)H

Joe (has many friends)Nation...

the strength that comes from friends is from the little pieces of your heart that you gave to them and the little piece of theirs they gave to you.

They're part of you - they feel your pain too - they just can't take it away hun.

And why... you because you deserve their friendship and are worth it.

You take care hun...

Iz(you have a piece of mine too)zie




PS... hot chocolate is for the nites on the roof when sleep does not come - hot chocolate and stars - the perfect combi.... and that's Eva's time to hold yer hand mate. x

Glad you had a good day, Joe.

Now, the question on my mind is: what are these Eva's Hot Chocolates, and are they able to be delivered through the mail?

Joe writes


I think Izzie summed it up. You really aren't a stranger. You can't banter with somebody, exchange insults, share a moment on a 'ye gods' thread, and write extemporaneous poetry to each other without having at least some sense of the other as a person, even a unique person like no other.

And for whatever reasons, when that person you have come to know, however tenuously, is in distress, you care. I don't pretend to understand it or be able to explain it. But it's the truth.

Takes one to know one.

You may remember (I've mentioned it before) that I keep a special file in my desk filled with mementos of encouragement. Something for times such as the one you're going through now, Joe. In that file are cards, letters, photos, and all sorts of little things that remind me on dark, dark nights that I'm not alone, I have never really been alone.

Everyone should have a file like that.

As I recall, there are several things in that file that you've sent me through the years. Little snippets of hope...rays of light...that you probably wouldn't even remember now, but that made such a deep impression on me when I received them that I had to keep them in case I ever again wondered if anyone was out there. If anyone really understood.

What goes around comes around, Joe. It's your turn now. Print out this thread and start your own file.

Oh...and the hot chocolate wasn't chosen because it was necessarily the best I could find (although it's not bad!)...I sent it so you'd think of me on one of those dark, dark nights when you drank it and then you'd have some company. At least in spirit. You don't need that tonight. You have plenty of company right here.

Much love,

E(let me know when you need more hot chocolate)va

Exactly!

Yes, it is odd.
But some stuff just is. You know?
Still nice of her to let you know she was thinking of you.

I'm thinking of you too.

More conversations with myself:
I just had this one.
"That's a good idea Eva had, a file of all those lovely things that people have shared with you."
"Oo, and I should make a file of all the people I owe thank yous to."
"No, try to think, a file of owed thank yous ought to be empty."

Joe(Oh, right. Slaps forehead)Nation

Ah, that's the feelings bank. Same idea, different words.

PS Joe, what, you're some stranger? Paris Hilton is a stranger. Vladimir Putin is a stranger. You, you're a friend. You're Joe. You're our Joe.

jes(Paris Hilton and Vladimir Putin in the same paragraph is really strange)pah

Joe (no no no, you don't need "THAT" file) Nation

the filed of owed thankyous OUGHT to be empty.....

you don't need to thank yer friends.... that's what your friends are for - it's why they are who they are .... so, that's one conversation outta your head a?

so Joe (that file is now empty and forehead kissed to take away the slap, and a file of why people care for and share with you being sorted out) Nation

you have a good day mate... k!

Iz (hates tho conversations too) zie x