First up….. hugs to you girl. Yep, it’s crap, yep , it’s hard, yep, it is the way it is. No, you don’t deserve it, no-one does " young, old, good, bad… but it happens…. As Forrest Gump would say!
Have read this whole thread now and…. firstly, the very first thing I see " is " change of mindset needs to kick in hunni " easy to say, hard to do " but you can do it. I know you can.
There are many beautiful things in life, things you have experienced and things you have yet to experience. It is unfortunate to be sick…. moreso to be sick often…. But you are a fighter " and you can do this. Really " you can Dianne.
You seem like a go getter " you raised your child for many years on your own, helped build your house including breaking your wrists and then learned to use a drill (nothing like a good power tool in your hand a?), you walk with your dogs (good for the soul), you moved to a new country (nice one too), you were a school secretary " hey, YOU COULD BE ME!!!!! So…. Now this thing is here " yep, the Big C…. the B8stid disease which you don’t want and it’s in your body " and “NOPE” " our boobs were not for the purpose of harbouring nasty entities " but, those lumps are there " well now, get those sh!t kicking boots on that you offered our Boomer - and kick that negative energy into touch as best you can by fighting it with everything you’ve got in you. And heck girl " you gotta bunch of sh!t kicking girls and boys here with you to help you along…. (Gustav even has a pitchfork!!!!)
Thing is, all the the feelings you have " they won’t go away, you will still be scared, you will still worry about the future, you will still feel sick and weary, not sleep, cry and ramble incoherently " that’s fine " it’s normal, it’s human " but to get thru this " you need some super human strength and no-one can give you that " that comes from within " you do have it in you " you’ve done it before " you survived an anneurysm " you have to “believe” you will survive this too. And keep talking to get the negative and scary thoughts out of your head, and make room for some happy and positive thoughts…. they really wanna visit with you again.
Whatever works, I say! I have no problem being the patient-from-hell-bully. After all, it's OUR health. Being proactive, asking questions and refusing to be shuffled off is my goal. I am only five foot three & puny but I pack a wallop!
So do this to the disease… pack a wallop to it and try to beat it….
As for walloping the surgeon and consultants… well, these people can save your life. You know, it’s better they don’t have the “heart” (tho a nice bedside manner is certainly preferable) " but if they get emotional and be less formal " perhaps they will not do their important work so well " the important work being getting shot of this disease. Yep, manners maketh man and all that (you need a surgeon/oncologist, not a man)" and it would be good if they would hold your hand as well as the knife…. But right now… focus your fight on anything negative…. Make your anger beat up those feelings…. Just let the surgeon etc (ppppffpfpfststtsttftt uncaring and unsoothing as they may be) do their stuff to get rid of those lumps. Keep talking with the GP.
I'm not going to ask the surgeon who did this for the results but am bypassing him and asking my GP, who has a heart. I can't believe the surgeon won't tell patients over the phone that it's benign. I wonder if compassion is taught in medical school?
Telling people over the phone, whether benign or not… it is better to look at the person’s face so that you understand, no misinterpretation. I know… you want the answers " no-one can blame you for that " waiting it the hardest always…. Being able to deal with it, that’s easier than waiting.
I still don't know how I will wrap my brain around cancer, if that's what it is. My impulse will be to run and keep running.
Forrest Gump ran…. His Momma also said “Life is like a Box Of Chocolates " you never know what you’re gonna get” " you got one of those chewy bitter ones right now that lasts a little longer, with a tough nut in the middle to crack - …. So keep on chewing, try and make it taste a little better, you can’t spit it out…. that would be rude…. you gotta just get on with it….(please Gus, Kicky, Slappy do not be reading this), then you can move on to a nice sweet one. You’ve got a never-ending supply of chocs hun " lotsa nice ones to look forward to.
It's so much stuff it's in a packet the size of a briefcase but I'm plowing my way through and asking questions. I had my doctor on the phone with me most of the day, poor guy. And I haven't started with the oncologist yet who's supposed to be a real jerk bedside manner-wise but knows his stuff. He ain't pushing me around.
Nope " he ‘aint gonna push you around " get a list of questions, then another list of all the questions you forgot last time…. Ask hubby and daughter if they have any questions. Always ask questions from the people who can give you the answers " the oncologist can do that " he cannot be emotional.
It's been so long since I've felt joy, or peace, or happiness, I don't remember what it feels like anymore. I used to have a good sense of humour but it's long gone. So I will take my whining pathetic self somewhere else, because who wants to hear this?
I have cried more in the last month than ever in my life - how can the body make so many tears? I worry that this stress will do something to where I had my aneurysm fixed. Geez I'm a mess. I never smoked or drank in my life and always tried to eat right. How could these things happen?
Luck of the Irish doesn't mean a thing to me, I'm the unluckiest person on earth.
It’s hard to feel peace… or happy about anything " you can only feel what you can feel " you have to do that and it’s alright to do that… you are not whining, nor pathetic…. you are scared. You need to find a place to put that fear so that you can focus forward…. You are doing that by writing it down… keep writing it down… gradually you will find things that will help you deal with/overcome the fears " they may only be little… but look….
I found out I can get free wigs at the oncologists so I can play with being a blond one week, a redhead the next.... my hubby will like that....
you did that already…. BRILLIANT… you can laugh still…. You will laugh still…. And you will feel peace and happiness again " maybe in the most unlikeliest of ways " but it’s out there… you have to let it come to you and accept it.
Some things that bother me are the fact that I might not make it and have to leave my hubby alone. That thought terrifies both of us. The other is that my daughter has only me. Her dad and I divorced when she was about a year old and she has never seen the guy since...he's a real jerk but that's a different story. She's trying to get through nursing school and waiting to get in. I have to be there for her financially and don't want her worrying about me while she has to do the grueling RN course that will take about 2 years. She may not even get in for another few years in Calif. She has no brothers or sisters and isn't close to her 2 cousins in Calif (they're guys). She isn't close to her family (her dad's people) on the east coast for a lot of reasons. I know my hubby would be there for her, and she loves him, but she has a hard time asking for anything and I know she'd do without before she asked him for a thing. We married when she was 15 so it's not like she's grown up with him. She sounded like a little kid on the phone yesterday talking to me. She's so afraid of losing her mom. She's 32 years old and is pretty independent (altho has a fiance) but your child is always just that - your child. If she had a huge family support system I'd feel better, but she doesn't - just friends.
Sometimes friends are easier to talk to than family… sometimes strangers are. Your daughter doesn’t need a huge family to feel loved and taken care of… and hunni " you haven’t gone anywhere. Live for today " give your daughter less fear….. be as positive as you can…. that is what you can do for her and hubby now…. She is your baby " no matter how old " you are going to worry for her, as she is worrying for you…. try and take her fear away " bolster her independence, plan the future….. she’s got a fiancée " therefore a marriage in the making…plans before nursing school - show her the way forward….. same goes for hubby. Get online here " tell us your fears, kick, scream, cry and be angry here…. talk with your daughter and hubby " you don’t need to pretend with them, you do need to be honest and you don’t have to always be strong with them " but you also need to give them strength too sometimes " you have the inner strength " we all do when it comes to caring about our kids " you have a “strength” face…. they need to see that to be able to cope, and to be able to help you too.
How do I manage to be positive when there are so many negatives? How does one face breast cancer without fear? Why does life hand some people so much crap to deal with? I have had more than my share and need lady luck for once. Just once. I just want a fighting chance to be around in the next 15-20 years.
You have a fighting chance girlie. Start fighting.
Huge but gentle hugs to you… and love from the UK. xox
Mindset… my Aunt had breast cancer…. She is a survivor
One of my closest friends " “B” " I have talked about her here before " she has had 3 surgeries " the last being a double mastectomy " all within 6 months " she is a survivor " we do the “Race 4 Life” together " side by side.
You have to believe you will survive this.
Tie-up the boots girl and start to kick the Big C in the ass…. YOU CAN DO THIS DIANNE!
PS. Boomer… hugs to you too girlie… know the warzone is hell on earth… hoping you can spend time with Bro before he goes.
PPS…. Incoherent rambling and feeling sick and tired is good here… these folk are good with deciperhing incoherence and wanton rambling…. Believe me girl… I’m an expert rambler! Can you tell!!!!
PPSS Sorry if I have overstepped the mark here… I just got one of those faces on today.
K " GONE!