firefly wrote:Heatwave, it sounds as though you feel comfortable with your therapist and the way he responds to you and the difficulties you are having.
Therapy certainly can help you, whether or not your husband participates. It may not help your marriage, but it can help you.
If your husband is so negative about therapists/counselors, would much be gained by getting him to come in for a session? Are you hoping that if your husband put his toe into the water that he'd be more likely to wade in--and agree to marital therapy? While anything is possible, that seems like a real longshot, based on what you've said.
Indeed...but it can happen that we win over the grumpy and disinclined. Sometimes they really get to like it! :wink:
I use the same ploy as the therapist being discussed....."it would be so good to get your ideas and views". Well, it isn't really a ploy if you think at all systemically.....it IS incredibly useful to get grumpy's views. Especially if poor old Grumpy is having a really hard time and is in need, or if Grumpy has a perfectly valid and reasonable view that turns everything on its head.
dlowan, in the U.S., most cognitive-behavior therapists are psychologists, but I don't think most psychologists here practice CBT. Most psychologists are probably eclectic. Different Ph.D. programs in clinical psychology may tend to emphasize different treatment approaches, but they all include some training in all major treatment modalities.
But, I certainly agree with you that "fit" between patient and therapist is very important. There has to be some basic compatibility. No matter the therapist's professional discipline, or method of therapy, you have to be able to form a working relationship with that person. On some level, you have to be able to connect to the therapist so that you are both working toward the same goals.
While I also agree that the "grumpy and disinclined" can change their minds about therapy, once they have some experience with it, I can also see some drawbacks to bringing an unwilling partner into one's individual therapy. For one thing, the partner can wind up sabotaging the therapy. And, where the marriage already has significant conflicts and resentments, airing more of these in a therapy session can escalate the problems once the couple is back at home. It's a very mixed bag. While it might be helpful to have the unwilling partner come in for a session, it's somewhat of a gamble. If it works, and can lead to marital therapy, that would be great. But it can also backfire, depending on the level of anger already built up in the marriage, and depending on the personalities involved.
Obviously, you can't do marital therapy with only one half of a couple. But individual therapy can certainly address the problems of the willing spouse, the one who sought the treatment. Particularly when that person is in a difficult marriage, sometimes it's better for them to have their own therapy, so that they can focus on themselves, and what they want and need, without the influence of the partner in the room.
And, if this person has personality problems (like being overly demanding, or overly controlling, or passive-aggressive, for instance) that are impacting their marriage, these same tendencies will come out in their relationship with their therapist, and the therapist will, hopefully, recognize and address these characteristics during the treatment. So you don't necessarilly need the other partner in the room to provide "direct evidence" of what's occuring in the marriage. People repeat interpersonal patterns in all of their relationships, and that's part of what good therapists are trained to recognize.
I think, if I were Heatwave, I would focus on my own therapy right now, and not try to get my unwilling hubby into a session. I'd try to look at my motives in wanting to get him in--do I want to turn off his anger? get him to listen to me? act or react differently toward me? get him help he seems to need? Those are useful things to discuss with a therapist, and hubby doesn't have to be there for that. How hubby's behavior affects me can also be discussed, with or without hubby in the room. I'd want to focus on my own anger, frustration, depression, disappointment, etc. without having to turn off my feelings to listen to my partner's reaction if he were in the therapy session. I think I'd leave the decision of whether or not to have hubby come to a session to my therapist, since he is likely more objective about the situation, and better able to help me explore the pros and cons of doing that. Heatwave's therapist seems to be making pretty good suggestions so far, and he doesn't seem to be the one pushing to get hubby in there.
I agree totally with firefly about the recommendations from others and the reputation, if they have one in their locale. The woman I saw was not only in private practice with 2 other therapists, she also taught at the University of North Florida. She and her "practice group" were frequently responsible for holding continuing educ classes for others in the psych, social work,etc fields in their own offices. Their practice group was called "Growth Point" and she was THE highest recommended person being recommended to me by a therapist who personally used Mary as her therapist and knew of several other therapists who took advantage of either Mary or one of the others at Growth Point; since I think that every therapist really needs a therapist who they see, otherwise I tend to think less of them. Having an excessive ego & lack of willingness to hear another therapist's ideas or critique about how your own practice is going, I think is a real drawback in the character of any therapist or psychiatrist. I know a local psychiatrist who lives here locally & he's been through the impaired physician program. BUT, he went and married a gal
he had just met in treatment 6 mos earlier??? And he doesn't see a shrink of his own either. If he/she isn't seeing one also steer clear of them. After all, we all can use a little help now & then especially in this kind of work where all kind of attachment problems & issues can develop.
