Drinking GF

MP--

Good post.

In more ways than you can imagine.

Yes, yay for inconsistencies. But you and some others are being way to harsh on him-- John, I recommend you do some reading up on being a child of an alcoholic...do they have ALANON in your neck of the woods? Nothing like hanging out with a bunch of children of alcoholics to get you feeling not so Herculean (carrying the burden on your own) in your childhood traumas.

Amen, sullyfish.

Mushypancakes i would have to say hit the topic the best, thanks for the advice, because i am a little controlling. I can admit that, but its due mostly in part to really having no control over anything in my life until i was able to drive and do things on my own. I grew up stuck in a rut of bad people, their decisions and things that went on, and now it is just too hard to sit back and watch my girlfriend do the same thing. Im not worried about her cheating on me and not being loyal, im worried because she drinks in excess too often and ends up passing out at some point of the night. All kinds of bad things could happen in that situation. She's already been raped before i met her at a party when she was too drunk to do anything about it. So of course i dont wanna let her do that, and it almost doesnt make sense to trust her in that aspect. She drunk called me over the weekend and told me that when we are fighting she drinks and parties just to piss me off, and to deal with her emotions. There is anyone that can argue that alcohol doesnt make a bad situation worse, or emotions worse. It would be a simple goodbye to her for me if she hadnt stayed away from that stuff for 6 or 7 months. But shes slowly getting back into it and cant seem to say no once in a while or at least not drink to the point of no return or control over anything the rest of the night. I will wait and try some more and if things are not better i will end it with her and hope i find someone that better suits me.

How long will you wait? If she saw that it was a real problem she would be doing something about it and you would not be in this position. Do not continue to support her drinking by allowing her to think you will stay with her while she continues to drink. This is not a situation for compromise.

How much can she really love you if she chooses to drink instead of sitting down and talking to you when you have an argument?

Its always an easier decision on the other side of the fence. We have an otherwise perfect relationship besides her drinking issue. Which is an issue when you do it to hurt your significant other,"for all you retarded bloggers sayin its good to do that and that theres no real problem".

Yes coming from my side of the fence it is easy to say it but believe me when I tell you I went through heck and back when my mom and step dad drank. There was not a day that went by as a teenager that I wished I could get out of the situation and get them help. I was as helpless as you are to solve your girlfriend's problem. All the talking in the world is not going to fix it.

Look out for you.

John, understand about the ruts.
You can leave it all behind physically, and move away and try to do everything differently, yet the inside stuff sometimes takes a little longer and little more work to move away from and change.

A lot of people find themselves somehow *magically* drawn to people who are much like the ones from their past. Even ones we want to leave behind.

That's cause it's all inside you. This has to do with changes in you, not your gf.

She was a drinker when you met her and chose her. Yes, she made some temporary changes.
Now, you can see and you know those were superficial.
She still is who she was when you met her. She still has the same tendencies, and problems.

You can sit and wait for her to change. Hope. But I think you know how that will turn out.

I understand you love her. Of course! If you didn't have feelings for her, why else would you be there, right. And it's natural.

Look, this is your choice. Remember. You have to live with it.

The only thing sitting here - I don't know you, but I do wish you the best and see some of me in your posts - is how will this choice to stay with her through this affect your life? How will be for you? Not just now; and not just in this relationship - but your whole life. Your whole way of seeing the world?

It's painful, and IMO, cruel to say to someone you care about (or anyone for that matter) "I get drunk so I can hurt you."

It's in a word - dysfunctional. You know dysfunctional don't you. It's familiar. And it's that rut.

You deserve like everyone to get a chance with people who lift you up, support you, can be present for you, can be compassionate when you make mistakes too.

She has her own world inside of problems to deal with. And it's really common, so so common, two people get together and play out their problems together and make them worse and bring out the worst in each other.

And it's common too for people who care about each other to push each other's 'buttons' , to know just where it hurts to hit when they feel weak or hurt themselves.

But that's not how it's supposed to be, or has to be, in a healthy relationship.

Wish you the best. Weight this decision with some real care. There is a price to pay for everything...and if you want my opinion, the price to be in this relationship for you is way more than anyone should pay to be with someone.

You do have to take care of yourself first. That's when you can really start taking care of and helping others.

Mushy, I couldn't have said it better. I lift her up, and she lifts me up - it's the way it's meant to be. And if we don't have it, then I think we should not settle for the status quo, and should seek it...but the choice to do such is always up to the individual.



My experience and observations is that alcohol is an uninhibitor...which means that if we are repressing emotions/tensions, they come out when we are drunk....so if you are in a bad situation, that usually involves bad emotions, which are often repressed...which leaves them to come out when the alcohol is flowing.

Problem solved. Thank you all for helping me on this issue. I gave my girlfriend the ultimatum to give up drinking completely and respect how i feel about it and stay with me to make things better. Or end our relationship and she can continue on her path to where ever all of that brings her. I gave her time and ultimately told her i did not want to carry on our relationship any longer if she is going to continue on her path. And that i dont blame her if she doesnt choose me but thats how i feel and if she wants to be with me and truly loves me and cares about me then she would give up drinking completely. I reminded her of the pain and suffering and disfunctional life i grew up because of drinking and its effects on my father and my family. She understood and reasoned with me and agreed to give up drinking completly and i let her know how serious about this decision i was. She decided to stay with me and give it up. I couldnt be more happy !!!


So problem solved for ever i hope. If bad things happen in the future i will be sure to take all of your "good" advice and look out for myself and whats in my best interest and leave her. No second chances. I will no longer subject myself to bad situations.

Thank you !!

Wishing John the best, and bookmarking this thread...

Good for you. Hope everything works out for you.

Just a small note - it's best for your girlfriend if she finds reasons to change for herself (not for you). Change done for others often results in a return to the old habits once the relationship is over, or sometimes during the relationship if it hits a rocky patch, or sometimes for another reason…change is always strongest when done for the self. Just so you are aware

I can attest to that. Years ago, my boyfriend wanted me to quit smoking and i did. Until he pissed me off. The very first thing I did was reach for a cigarette.
It doesn't work when you're doing it for someone else. You've got to do it for yourself.
If I were you John, I'd postpone the cruise until things were a bit more stable between you two. Being forced to cancel, after shelling out thousands, would be pretty awful.

That is a good point and i guess i kind of forgot to put that in there. She made her decision and said that she wanted to change, for the better of her and for our relationship. I told her dont do it for me because i dont want you to be with me and just say and do what i want to hear and see. She assured me that she was doing it for herself and our relationship and that she truly wanted to change and noticed that her habits were bad and needed to be changed.

Thank you again

I wish the two of you luck.


Keep up posted on how things are going.

Wishing you the best, too. Take it a day at a time.

Problem solved between Tuesday and Friday?

Well, best of luck to you.