Wed 23 Jan, 2008 10:56 am
I moved with my sister and her husband around a year ago due to financial problems and to help her out, the problem is that within a month my brother in law started hitting on me very strongly at first I was in shock because the guy hated me from day one but I was extremely depress due to my situation and felt lonely one thing led to another and we started having sex, I feel used and guilty as hell we never talk about it he doesn't say anything he just does his thing and forgets about me until he is in the mood again. I know this is wrong I am betraying my own blood but I just can't stop its like an addiction, he is using both of us for his own fun and pleasure I am so desperate I can't move out because I will have to have a very good excuse, if my family finds out I will be in so much trouble I come from a culture where its always the woman fault men are consider men and women tramps. Sometimes I feel like I love him but then I think about the whole deal and realize how stupid I am this relationship has no future it was doom from day one. I feel jealous and angry sometimes but mostly confused I am fairly attractive I know I can get a man that is single and available but I am scare. I feel like I am losing my mind I cry everyday because I don't know what to do.
I would start by NOT HAVING SEX WITH YOUR BROTHER IN-LAW.
One step at a time.
I think you have poor self-esteem and he knows it. He is just using you as a sperm receptacle, he thinks you're a warm pile of dirt. You know it is wrong, so now you have to act like an adult woman and put an end to it. Find a roommate if you can't afford your own place to live. Find a single mother who needs live in help and trade a place to stay for baby sitting and cleaning. You are just as guilty as this man if you stay and continue this relationship. You may not have started the problem, but you need to end it. You already have a lifetime of guilt to deal with concerning the betrayal of your sister, don't continue to make it worse. Grow up, move out. I also think you should confess to your sister in private and let her decide what she should do. She's married to a piece of crap.
I would start by NOT HAVING SEX WITH YOUR BROTHER IN-LAW.
One step at a time.
Ditto - you are an adult, act like one.
And move out - you don't have to explain it - you can simply say you want your own place.
Like everyone else, stop having the sex! It might make you feel good at the time, but think about what the long term affects are:
Hurts your sister
Puts a damper in your family life
Makes you feel used
Doesn't help with self esteem
He's treating you like a piece of meat
What is it that he is doing for you to make you feel good about yourself??? I have told a couple people who are having an affair this:
Figure out what you are gaining from this and replace what he gives you with an activity of some sort. Like my friend just felt unattractive and she met a guy, had an affair and what her counselor told her to do was to join a gym....she did that, it makes her feel pretty and takes away the urge of wanting to be with the other man.
I'm with the others. There's no excuse for doing this to your sister and you should leave out of respect for her, if anything.
You could start by not sleeping with her husband anymore. You seem worried about what your family will say if you move out, but you're sleeping with your own sisters husband, under her own roof, which doesn't make any sense at all.
If you care about your sister, you'll keep your hand off her husband, period!
And your sister would also be better off without her cheating husband as well.
I think your sister would be better off if she were to leave. Hell, I feel for her, knowing this is going on right under her nose, in her own home and she doesn't even have a clue.
I can only imagine how she'd feel if she knew! You and her husband are making a fool out of her in the worst way!
Does his attractions to you have a specific time frame?
he stays home on Mondays to see you?
if so be gone during that time. Period.
And start looking around for another place to live.
Someone suggested finding a mother or a large family who could use alot of help in exchange for a place to live. That is a great start.
What ever you do... just get out.
Lonelygirl, I don't mean to sound so harsh, but you really need to leave your sisters home and find another place to stay.
You've gotten some great suggestions about where you could go.
SLEEPING WITH MY BROTHER IN LAW
I ENDED THE AFFAIR A COUPLE OF DAYS AGO, READING ALL THIS COMMENTS MADE ME WAKE UP AND REALIZE THIS SCUMBAG IS USING ME FOR HIS OWN PRIVATE FUN. I HAD IT WITH HIM. I AM AFRAID OF TELLING MY SISTER WHY I AM MOVING OUT SHE ADORES THIS LOSER I KNOW HE IS GOING TO FIND A REPLACEMENT FOR ME BECAUSE HE OBVIOUSLY DOESN'T LOVE ANYONE BUT HIMSELF. I STILL FEEL AWFUL BUT ONE HAS TO LEARN FROM THEIR MISTAKES AND MOVE ON AND FORGET BAD CHOICES AND RETARDS LIKE HIM. WHAT HURT THE MOST AND MADE ME REALIZE HOW STUPID I HAVE bEEN THIS COUPLE OF MONTHS. WAS HIS ANSWER HE TOLD ME HE WAS GETTING BORED ALREADY.
Thankfully you have moved on!! Good for you. He's not worth it anyways. Your sister will wake up one day (hopefully) and realize that he is a scumbug!!!
Glad to hear you are doing whats right!
I'm glad to hear you decided to do the right thing and I agree with Phoenix that a talk with you sister may help her see him for what he is as well.
With all the STDs out there, I'd hate to see this scum bag give something nasty to your sister on top of what he's already doing to her.
Nice to see you seeing the loser for what he is.
Good luck to you and your sister.
lonelygirl, Don't forget that we are humans and we are animals and sometimes sex just happens. Sex is natural. The circumstances are bad but it was a natural mistake. Try to forgive yourself. This kind of thing happens everyday with people and they probably don't say anything.
You seem like a nice lady and you feel guilty. If you didn't feel guilty then something would be wrong. So give youself a break.
I disagree with Amigo. Sex with a brother in law doesn't just happen.
You made the choice. Just as you are now making the choice to stop.
And why are you stopping now? It seems you now see the negatives of sleeping with this guy in clearer proportion to the positives.
In short: You don't want to sleep with him anymore.
You have work to do with yourself. And your sister, if you love her. I agree she needs to know. Better if you tell her, than if she hears another way (possibly from him) somewhere down the road.
So have you been looking and found a new place to live? Focus on that stuff, and finding a job. Get back on your feet. Guys like this jerk won't have any appeal once you are on solid ground with yourself.
Tell your sister he hit on you many times. Dont tell her you had sex just that he hit on you.
She deserves to know what a dog he is.
What your sister needs must be balanced against what you need. If you tell your sister you run the risk of damaging not only your relationship with her, but also with your entire family.
I also don't think your sister "deserves to know". she should already know what kind of man she is with, and she likely will not take kindly to babysitting services. secondly, it is entirely possible that she IS with the kind of man that she wants to be with.
Please, Im not so quick to join the "lets give lonely girl a medal " for breking off with her BROTHER_IN_LAW. This affair had 2 partners and I assume that lonely girl is an adult whos past the age of reason.
The fact that she moved on is , to me, the first time that reality entered her head. (GOING first person )Now my admonition is that you protect your sister , who youve hurt deeply, so that she will never have to know. The only time should this be shared with her is after her divorce. AND, you must be there for her in any capacity she needs.
I dont believe that this is over, unless we believe that both the sister and brother-in-law are "challenged". Ill bet that your sister already knows and is in a mild state of denial.
My first wife had an affair with my then facultyadvisor and good hunting buddy(and in many respects he was my first mentor and almost <"brother"). However,I was able to detect the small clues that they didnt think Id pick up on, mostly having to do with unexplainable schedule similarities . I discovered them when I saw them at a shopping mall where I was coming out from shopping at an art supply store, and where they were both sitting in a steamed up car that chilly evening--she had stated that she was going to a sorority meeting.
So, I bolted from the marriage and have to this day had nothing to do with either. Their, affair, when relegated to complete openness with me out of the picture, soon just crashed and burned(He was also using my ex-wife for sex ). Human nature dictates that many an illicit affair is attractive solely because the affair is actually a flirtation with danger, and everyone loves a little adrenaline with their sex.
As for you, Im certain that, down the road,There will be an inevitable adcounting so you better have a good story prepared, because you are only safe as long as he doesnt want to be found out. When their divorce becomes public, he will dime you out as a way to get at his soon to be , ex-wife.
So, while its good that youve finally come to youre senses.
Dont think that you can claim any victim status. Your vagina is complicit, and if you want to save some sense of relationship with your sister(and I think you now realize the skinny rope on which your hanging), youd better have a plan B with which to salvage what could be a bleak old age where you and your sister go totally separate ways .
I would assume that, at some time in the future, your BIL will rat you out as a way to hurt his wife.So, in that eventuality, Id have a letter prepared and dated with today's date, and siitting in a safe deposit with proper notary, and this letter is a complete fessing up by you
1You couldnt resist his constant advances
2You realize that you were being a child, but ultimately succumbed to his constant advances (you-after all are the irresponsible one of the two)
3When you finally came to your senses (after about ( X ) episodes) you were filled with deep guilt mostly because you realized that you were hurting your sister whom you deeply love more than anything.
4You broke it off but realized that you had to keep this quiet for your sisters sake
5Finally , when shithead and your sister divorce, you knew he would blow the whistle.
6This letter, which has been written and stored awy for just an eventuality, is testament to your deep sorrow at having betrayed a sisters love.
7Throw yourself on her mercy and sense of forgiveness.
Stuff like that.
I know this is rude sounding but I think you need a good Slap upside the head . Everything you do with regard to this should be done only to protect your sister, because odds are, when she does find out, I suspect that she, initially, wont be very forgiving and you will have a lot of ass-kissing to do (AND MEAN IT)
That is a wonderful post, farmerman.
Makes good sense.