Best way to split expenses with live in boyfriend

I still question not paying for his labor, which you would pay for if you hired people to help. Remember my skunked architect friend.

He gets to do that free for living there, as opposed to elsewhere, with you? (given you both are tabulating the money) Meantime, he's working two jobs...

Which brings up the question, what if you don't like how he fixed something?
I speak as someone who with my husband remodelled a house ourselves. (We survived that, but there can be issues.)

I think the fact that you are already feeling resentment over money is a big thing.
You trying to come up with an arrangement that would be fair to both of you is great. You are trying to solve the problem.

Sounds to me though that maybe you bit off more than you can chew, with this house. You say you could do it alone, but you don't sound too comfortable with the idea. For your boyfriend, it sounds as though the house costs would be too much for him alone. Not something that he would be likely think to do on his own.

So, did you two discuss this before getting the house?
Was it a joint decision?
Cause it's not sounding as though it was...
And if this was your idea, then you can't be too resentful about his inability to step up financially....
So what's up?

The resentment feeling is bad.

I suggested in my last post that I would "pay" him for his work, but he is not a contractor, and often times the work he does is the easy stuff you might pay a locksmith or a plumber 100 dollars for, for 20 minutes of their time. The real hard stuff I will pay a contractor to do.

I appreciate all the comments here, I have friends who after time just pool all their resources into one. I am not ready for that step. I share everything I have freely, my house, my car, my stuff, I just need to think about what will suit me best for the financial arrangement. His car is broken so he uses my nearly broken down car.

Ossobucco, I am picking up on a teensy little negative and sarcastic attitude you are having towards my question and I wonder why? Why does my question bring this attitude out in you? I work a full time job and do just as much to get this house fixed up as he does. If I knew how to do electrical stuff I'd do it myself. Yes he works 2 jobs but a teacher works from 8 to 2 in the afternoon in these parts. His other job is a telecommuter work he does from home. I revealed all this about my situation looking for some feedback, while you just make snarky comments, which aren't very helpful at all. Yes, a guru sees the absurdity of it all but you just aren't there yet!

I'm surely no guru, and I'm trying not to be snarky. Perhaps my questions unsettled you. I don't know you or your fiance. I can foresee conflict. You asked.

He's not a contractor, but will work for free. He has what looks like three jobs - teaches, telecommutes, and teaches music students?

If he's just doing the odd job around he house and you also do stuff, fine.
I gather I misunderstood your first description of how handy he is at fixit re the house.

I'm not hostile, I wish you both well. I'm not sure re your situation, but as is obvious, it is not my business.

Yes Caribou, you are right, that the resentment is bad. I need to get a handle on it. I need to work on a new philosophy about partnership. We had a heck of a time finding a house-everything was we saw didn't feel right, and we lost 2 houses to other buyers. He actually saw the house first, loved it, and had me come the next day, and I loved it too. I knew from the beginning that I would be paying for everything, in the purchase of the house. Some of the rooms are quite lovely and some are crummy. We both pinch ourselves every day at how beautiful this place is, and that we really couldn't be here without each other. I underestimated how much work needs to be done, the house is still quite livable and looks great-just not up to the minute shiny sparkling new. I am a worrier about money, and my worrying nature has probably served me well in some ways. I just obsess and worry. He is totally helpful and I do want to come to a fair arrangement, you are also right about that.

Carson--

Welcome to A2K.

There is no Official Table for splitting expenses for a couple in an LTA. The devil's in the details and the details vary couple by couple.

I share your unease about the $30,000--that is more than half of his yearly income and you hint that he's barely keeping up with interest payments.

This is not a good omen. Child support and educational expenses aside, your man ran up credit card debt to buy "stuff" that he couldn't have afforded to pay cash for. The British idiom for installment buying is "on the never-never".

Perhaps--and this is only a suggestion--money that you don't have to pay an outsider could be applied directly to reducing this debt. The house is yours. The decreasing debt is his.

You sound very nervous about having a Kept Man, both because of his dignity and because you don't want to be leeched on and exploited.

You're ostensibly talking about money, but behind the money issues there seem to be questions of dominance and balance of power.

[quote="caribou"]I won't co-mingle money with someone else.
So, if marriage means sharing EVERYTHING, then no, I won't be marrying.

I would not want to adopt someone else's debts. I would not want to "support" someone. I wouldn't want to be supported.
[/quote]

I felt just like that for a long time.
I was in a long-term (six years) relationship, where I was paying the rent, lots of the food in the cupboards, and lending my boyfriend lots of money (2000 pounds is a lot for a working student) which I never got back.
He was blowing any money he made on Videos, the games arcade, things that one does not NEED, and (I have to admit) sometimes presents for me or take-out dinners.
In return I always got to hear 'If you don't like it, move out, this is MY flat!'

Needless to say that at some point even I with all the pretending and dreaming did not see the future in this relationship.

Now, married for nearly four years, I still don't have a joint account with my husband but for emergencies he has access to all my accounts, and I to his.
For two years we shared all expenses (apart from the rent, which is part of his salary), but after our son was born, I cut hours, he started paying more, but with him gone for three months at a time I really was struggling to pay all the bills.

Recently for the first time, he gave me a bank card for his accounts to pay for child care, the cleaner and petrol.
At first I said that I did not want it, but after a while I realized it really came quite natural.
These are things he pays, when he is around, too, and the fact that I do not use the money for any other stuff goes without saying.

I think that is the kind of trust, that was mentioned before.

I would not have that kind of trust in my ex-boyfriend (I once gave him a bank card to take care of while I was gone and he cleared the account, which luckily only held 50 pounds), but than, I would not have married him either!

I would trust my husband with my life.
If he has depts, and he cannot pay, I would do anything to help him out!
But I know he would do exactly the same for me!

Bohne,
I think once a relationship has a child, then, of course, things change.

In a past relationship, My boyfriend had a large debt. I didn't.
But we shared a house that both of us could afford and we split everything. We shared a credit card that we would use to buy house stuff. Even with his debt, I knew that we were both responsible people and that neither of us would ever screw each other.
Even when we split up, we did it very friendly and fair.

Yes, my husband and I kept our money completely separate for the first 8 years we were together. It worked really well for us. Then when I quit my job to be a stay-at-home mom we finally merged things, mostly. I'd saved a great deal of money for that eventuality -- becoming a stay-at-home mom -- and that was in an account in my name. We ended up not touching it and using it as a down payment on a house, 4 years after my daughter was born.

At any rate, merging money was uncomfortable for me but I got used to it.

If kids aren't in the picture, I don't see any reason why money needs to be merged (and even if there are kids, there are ways to keep accounts separate).

As in, maybe you're assuming an eventuality that doesn't have to happen? Maybe you can keep your accounts separate in perpetuity, if you're both more comfortable with that? (BOTH.)

One thing that made it easier for us is that we made approximately the same amount of money from when we met until I quit my job. Unequal incomes makes it much more complicated.

Asking boyfriend to contribute to montly expenses
Hello, I am in the same situation, and I am also looking for advise. My boyfriend moved in about a month ago. He now wants a new truck, but he has terrible credit. I knew right up front that he had nothing. I accepted that, however this request (he wants me to cosign) has made me pause for a moment. We have not had the formal "discussion" regarding finances. He contributed to our vacation, but now we are back, and all bills are still being paid by me. I own the home, and it takes every penny I have to make the payments and utilities. I do not want to cosign his loan ( I still have to refinance soon because of the terms of the mortgage I have). I make twice what he does. He previously paid 750/mo rent. Plus various utilities. I have a mortgage of 2300/mo. The plan is to marry, but I have been independent for awhile (and previously burned in a similar financial situation). How do I address the need for him to contribute, and keep finances separate? I also would want a pre-nup prior to marriage. Am I being selfish???

No, you're not being selfish.

What is the best way to bring it up? He sees all that I have, (believe me, I had to work hard to get it and KEEP it) and I think he thinks it came easy.

Bring it up? I figure finances will come up many times, and certainly a general talk about them is in order. I'd be very wary of marrying this fellow and wary of living with him. I speak as someone burned on these issues. In any case, I wouldn't cosign for anything with him. You are not his parent.

He seems extremely immature financially. Perhaps a class...

Follyfox--

Welcome to A2k.

Do not co-sign for a loan with this guy. Why should you have less savvy than any other accredited lending institution?

He doesn't want to talk about money--he wants to live without expense (and without wounding his male ego by discussing money).

Money isn't everything, but your credit rating is a valuable possession that you've worked hard for--and deserve to benefit from. Solvency isn't "luck"--solvency is common sense and hard work.

Ok, my girlfriend has two kids, she gets $1400 month for child support, and has a full time job, how would we split rent, utilities, etc? Since I shouldn't have to pay for children that aren't mine, and she does get money to take care of them. I also have one child but she is with me 8 days out of the month, and hers would be there all the time. Please help! Thanks. Joe.

That's a more complicated situation, and it might be best if you start a separate topic.

For starters, though, you cannot consider her child support as income to her. Nor should they be expenses to you.

So you think she should pay a little more than 50% to cover her children? I think it would be only right since there will be more electric,
food, water, heat, will be used, plus more bedrooms in an aptartment means more money. Thanks for answering Roger.

You obviously should not be getting married. You expect him to work on YOUR house for free? While you maintain that it is YOUR house? Really? I feel sorry for your boyfriend.

If you really want to wait until he has paid off all of his debt, I think you're in for a long wait. 30000 is not exactly an amount that you can pay off in a couple of years, unless you're living in a cardboard box on the streets and eating out of the trash while still making your normal monthly salary. If this debt is really the reason you're not married, then I suggest breaking up now, before he has paid for half of your house. You do realize that some of the money he could use to pay off his debts are going into _your_ house?

Paying off large debt means simplifying the life. He should be living in a crappy apartment to get it paid off, but instead he's living in a mansion that he clearly can't afford because most of his income goes into that. And it doesn't matter if your house is nicer - it's not economically sensible, and it's hindering him from settling the debt.

I don't mean to be offensive, but I do find it a bit petty to be counting pennies in a marriage, where the other person clearly is in a worse situation than you are, financially and mentally, as it seems like you do feel like he's just renting the facilities.

Also, is money really so important to you that you're putting it above getting married to the man of your (almost) dreams?