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I am married, having an affair! I dont know how to get out

 
 
LoveBD
 
Reply Mon 10 Dec, 2007 06:43 pm
I am brand new to this site and found a few postings similar to mine that Im about to write. I have been having an affair for nearly a year now. He is a great great friend of mine and I love him dearly. My husband of 8 years is a good man but has decided that most things in life are far more important than I am. I am not excusing my behavior, only trying to layout why it happened in the first place. I have been lonely for a LONG time and had no idea that I would ever be in this type of situation. I have fallen in love with my guy outside my marriage. Unfortunately, he too is married. We cannot be together really because it will ruin two families that havent asked for all that. I cannot imagine hurting all these people involved and then on the same token, I cannot imagine my life without my friend, my love. How do you get away from it all? I have no strength when it comes to this guy. Im putty and I always considered myself a very strong, independent woman. Now look at me! Any words of wisdom or support?
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Type: Discussion • Score: 13 • Views: 43,401 • Replies: 86
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eoe
 
  1  
Reply Mon 10 Dec, 2007 06:47 pm
Why did your married lover get involved with you? Is his marriage unhappy as well?
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SULLYFISH66
 
  1  
Reply Mon 10 Dec, 2007 06:57 pm
When I was married to an alcoholic, I was sad, cried alot and was very lonely for years, even within the marriage. I understand how it is to not love and not to have someone to love.

You were very vunerable and this guy filled the deep needs you had.

Now you must muster up the courage to deal with your MARRIAGE, possibly even leaving your husband. Then, stand by yourself for a while, alone. Try being single for a while WITHOUT your lover.

If your lover is in love with you, too, he will do what he must do to be with you. If not, at least you have gotten out of a loveless marriage and will be wiser the next time around.

Is this all REALLY what you want??
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eoe
 
  1  
Reply Mon 10 Dec, 2007 07:11 pm
SULLYFISH66 wrote:
If not, at least you have gotten out of a loveless marriage and will be wiser the next time around.


Amen.
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CoastalRat
 
  1  
Reply Tue 11 Dec, 2007 07:27 am
Maybe if you put as much effort into your marriage as you are probably putting into hiding the affair things would improve.

But, to pointedly answer your question about how to get out, it is really quite simple. What you do is tell your married lover that the two of you are through and stop all contact with him. Otherwise, the two of you deserve every bad thing that this affair will lead to. It is only a matter of time until someone finds out.

I'd wish you luck, but you don't deserve it. You vowed to stay faithful. If you cannot keep your wedding vows, have the guts to get out before you start sleeping around.
LoveBD
 
  1  
Reply Tue 11 Dec, 2007 08:54 am
Thank you for your words, I know that it can be VERY easy to look from the outside and figure out why or how someone can come to the place I am in now. I was married before and he was very abusive. I didnt stand for it and left. When I met my husband, I put him first. I did all the things a wife should do for a husband. I loved him the way I was supposed to in order to marry. I felt like everything was right.....on my end. He chose partying, work, friends, everything except me. I put up with it for many years. I thought that since he didnt abuse me, and he worked hard, what more could i ask for right? Sure I was missing something, but that was within me. I still need to figure out what that is. A little over a year ago I was raped by a man that was supposed to be my friend. I was ashamed and humiliated. I hid it from the world. I finally broke down one day and told my husband. He asked me what I had done to provoke it. I was even more humiliated and felt alone. I always thought I was a tough girl, I could fight this guy, I couldnt. My lover and I have been friends for several years before this. This prick of guy bragged to him that he "had me". I was mortified when he came to see me to ask me why I had done such a thing. I told him everything. I havent told anyone else. It's bad enough that it happened to begin with and I want to forget it. My lover felt really bad and truly helped me through it. I didnt expect to fall in love with him. I know that he fulfilled many needs in me that I had been missing. The funny thing is, I realized how very little I actually wanted from someone. I fulfill many of my own needs and what I didnt, he did. I dont know how to explain it and I dont condone what I am doing and sure maybe I do deserve every bad thing that happens to me. You have to know that a marriage vow can be destroyed by not protecting your spouse as well. It also can be destroyed if you forget to nurture your relationship. I gave up on my marriage. I dont know if I will get it back. The only reason I am giving up on my lover is that I dont want to hurt my kids, nor his. It isnt fair to them. He is in a very similar marriage as mine. When you make the choice to marry, it isnt as simple as divorce. There is SO much more to think about. I NEVER thought I could be so weak as to fall victim to an affair. This takes away from everything I have stood for. So, please dont be so quick to judge. You never know when you find yourself in a situation that is compromising.
CoastalRat
 
  1  
Reply Tue 11 Dec, 2007 09:10 am
Don't tell us not to be so quick to judge. You came here looking for advice.

It does not matter what has happened to you personally. Getting raped was a terrible thing. As a man, I cannot imagine what this was like for you. But don't use that in any way to rationalize your affair. Your husband wasn't caring enough during this time. So ok, if that was enough to drive you away from him, then make the break. Nobody would have blamed you. But you stayed. Then you accepted sympathy from someone else who you then began an affair with. Maybe a certified counselor would have been better than a friend to share this tragedy with would have been better. You still have no business whatsoever for sleeping with someone you are not married to. None. Nada.

So keep making all the excuses you want. You are still 100% wrong to be sleeping with someone other than your husband. So don't look for sympathy on that score. If things are so bad, leave your husband. Walk away. Then sleep with whoever you want.
Phoenix32890
 
  1  
Reply Tue 11 Dec, 2007 09:27 am
Quote:
So keep making all the excuses you want. You are still 100% wrong to be sleeping with someone other than your husband. So don't look for sympathy on that score. If things are so bad, leave your husband. Walk away. Then sleep with whoever you want.


I have to agree with CoastalRat, but for different reasons. Often a person in a lousy marriage will turn to another person, in order to make their marriage bearable. It's a "quick fix", but ultimately not effective, in the long term.

IMO, you need to look at your marriage first. If you believe that it is broken beyond repair, get out. I don't know how old your kids are, but it is not healthly for them to be in a family where there is extreme marital discord. A divorce often confers a more peaceful environment on kids than being in the middle of a lousy marriage.

If you believe that there is hope for your marriage, go to counselling, or even individual therapy.

If you do leave, "find yourself", without your lover. If he stays with his wife, you will know that he was happy with the arrangement that he had, and has no interest in you beyond an affair.

At any rate, by you being proactive, you will emerge a stronger, healthier person. Good luck!
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JPB
 
  1  
Reply Tue 11 Dec, 2007 09:57 am
CoastalRat wrote:
So keep making all the excuses you want. You are still 100% wrong to be sleeping with someone other than your husband. So don't look for sympathy on that score. If things are so bad, leave your husband. Walk away. Then sleep with whoever you want.


I agree with this except the last sentence -- sleep with whoever you want so long as that person isn't already married. UNLESS, of course, your husband agrees with you that everything else in his life is more important than you are and is cool with you sleeping with someone else, in which case it should still be with someone who isn't already married.
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CoastalRat
 
  1  
Reply Tue 11 Dec, 2007 10:15 am
Agreed JPB. I slipped and did not specify that. So let my statement be so amended.
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LoveBD
 
  1  
Reply Tue 11 Dec, 2007 01:48 pm
ok, well I see your point. I know that you may not understand and I dont expect anyone to. I am only here because Im trying to break the habit of being with this guy. I really need to be rid of it and work on my own life. I am trying to be strong.
Noddy24
 
  1  
Reply Tue 11 Dec, 2007 04:39 pm
LoveBD--

You have two choices: Ending your marriage or ending your love affair and improving your marriage.

The conventional course is to kiss your lover goodbye and work on your marriage. Unfortunately your husband doesn't seem willing to change his ways. One person cannot improve a marriage by herself.

I predict that you're headed for a time of upheaval. Good luck.
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4565montrose
 
  2  
Reply Tue 11 Dec, 2007 07:59 pm
I definitely am in the same boat as you are. I love my husband and i have put so much effort into our marriage... I feel like to "get out" now would be wasting all the time we have loved one another and all the things we HAVE come out on top of. but he has changed, and i have grown and changed as well... I, too, consider myself a strong, resilient, independent woman. I never thought i would EVER have an affair, ever. Even with all the things that happened in my married life, i never thought i would... sink to that level. I am also in "love" with a supportive, emotional, generous friend who makes me feel like i used to with my husband. I dont know how to end our affair, either. I am sad without my lover and i am sad with him knowing its not right and we cant truly be together. I dont know if he would be willing to wait for years for me to find myself or w/ever but i am also not asking him to. I cant imagine the loneliness i will have to go back to without my lover... but at the same time i love my husband so much and i feel like my life without him would also be desolate. I dont know if youve read the responses to my question but maybe that will help you. Good luck to us both figuring it out.
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LoveBD
 
  1  
Reply Wed 12 Dec, 2007 08:06 am
Montrose,
Thanks for sharinga little about your situation. I know where you are coming from. I tried to message you but I was not able to for some reason. Are you getting our of your affair as well? I havent talked to my lover since Friday and it is killing me. Im sad and Im trying to be strong, to do what's right. Everything in me wants to just call him and I wont. Have you gotten to that point yet?
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eoe
 
  1  
Reply Wed 12 Dec, 2007 08:11 am
That's how you feel about anyone you break up with. You ache to call them but knowing what's best and knowing that's not it, you remain strong and count on time making you stronger.
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LoveBD
 
  1  
Reply Wed 12 Dec, 2007 03:49 pm
Im really going to try to focus on the upcoming events going on in my life. Im having a big Christmas Party for my employees. I am looking forward to that. It will be good fun. Also, I am going to go home to visit my family in March and I just booked that trip today. I booked it for just me and my kids. This way, maybe I can get a chance to do some sole searching.
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JPB
 
  1  
Reply Wed 12 Dec, 2007 03:54 pm
LoveBD wrote:
Montrose,
Thanks for sharinga little about your situation. I know where you are coming from. I tried to message you but I was not able to for some reason. Are you getting our of your affair as well? I havent talked to my lover since Friday and it is killing me. Im sad and Im trying to be strong, to do what's right. Everything in me wants to just call him and I wont. Have you gotten to that point yet?


LoveBD, Montrose's tale is in This thread if you'd like to check it out.
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eoe
 
  1  
Reply Wed 12 Dec, 2007 04:49 pm
LoveBD wrote:
Im really going to try to focus on the upcoming events going on in my life. Im having a big Christmas Party for my employees. I am looking forward to that. It will be good fun. Also, I am going to go home to visit my family in March and I just booked that trip today. I booked it for just me and my kids. This way, maybe I can get a chance to do some sole searching.


Sounds good. You're focusing on other things. That's a big part of progressing and moving forward. Good for you!
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Noddy24
 
  1  
Reply Thu 13 Dec, 2007 12:25 pm
The best way to mend a gap in your heart is to put some events in your social schedule.

Sure, these events are calculated replacements--but they work.
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jake123
 
  1  
Reply Thu 13 Dec, 2007 01:27 pm
My story is here: Married and started an affair...

You have to scroll through some stuff to see where I have gotten, I didn't actually start the thread. But I pretty much came here the same way you did.
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